Salvation

Three years ago today I was in a very dark place. A place where there was no light, a place where there was no possibility of sunlight ever filtering through the rigid black drapes. Three years ago today I was not me. I was a shadow of myself. I was all pain and hurt and suffering. I was composed of tears and heartbreak and emptiness. My life existed to just make me feel pain.

 

In those dark days I found myself needing more than G-d could give me, more than the kids or a spouse could give me. I needed only what I could give myself – personal salvation. But it was not mine to take. When the darkness threatened to engulf me for the very last time I somehow found the strength to fight through. I somehow kicked toward the surface with all my inner strength and dignity. The first few healing breaths hurt so much I wanted to stop breathing, but I couldn’t allow myself to stop.

 

With time breathing became easier. With time the tears did stop. With time I found happiness and joy. With time, I found contentment. With time I have been blessed to find personal fulfillment and pure happiness not based on anyone other than myself.

 

For the first time in my life I am whole. I am thrilled with who I am. I like myself. I like myself a lot. But I will always remember that person that once lived inside my body. And I will carry her lessons with me daily, to remind me how precious and fleeting life can be.

 

This is a poem that I wrote 3 years ago, at the start of my healing.

 

Pain

 

Though my body be weak

My spirit remains strong

Though my bones feel destroyed

My soul stands firm within me

Pain tries so hard to control me

I cannot, I will not, let it win

The essence of me

The truth of who I am

Is contained within

The strong chambers

Of my beating heart

And the infinite barriers

Of my everlasting soul

Pain can never win

For my inner strength

Repels every attack

In the war between

Love and Pain

The love that surrounds me

Conquers and vanquishes

Any type of negativity

I know love. I feel love.

I know truth. I feel truth.

My mission, my goal

Is to be true to my soul.

 

Thank you G-d for bringing me through that dark chapter in my life. Thank you oh L-rd for the blessing of wonderful children. I praise you oh G-d for the gift of family and friends who have always supported me through thick and thin. I thank you G-d for the life that I live – I am happy, healthy and oh so blessed with all that I have. There is so much light in my life now – how could I ever have lived without it?