A Guest Post from FrumGoth
I grew up in a secular Jewish home, going to the synagogue with my family on the high holidays, lighting a menorah on chanukah, and attending “hebrew school” for several hours a week after public school got out. One of my hebrew school teachers invited myself and a few other girls for a shabbos. I remember the beautiful, warm atmosphere that filled her home, and the feeling of peace that descended on all of us that shabbos. I knew that this was something special, but unfortunately I did not continue with hebrew school, or any involvement in the synogogue, during my teenage years. The pull of peer pressure was too strong, and my friends and I became involved in a somewhat reckless lifestyle, hanging out and partying, devoid of anything constructive or positive. We would buy kegs of beer, bottles of liquor and wine, and go to a friend’s house whose parents were away. If no house was available, we would set up the party in an abandoned field or a deserted camp site up in the mountains. I remember piling into cars afterwards and practically flying back down to town. I have no idea how we survived.
I also started dating someone who was very different from me, yet in some ways so similar. He was not Jewish, lived in the “projects” and he was black. He was a talented artist, intelligent, a good person, but he was wrapped up in a world in which he had to sell drugs and steal to survive. We were similar in that we felt that love could overcome differences, and the divisions between race and class. We both felt that we didn’t quite fit in to the worlds that we came from. I loved him very much, but it was heart breaking to see him fall into trouble again and again, trouble that I could not help him out of, no matter how much I tried.
Somehow, amidst this chaos, I became involved in NCSY (National Conference of Synagogue Youth) and attended Shabbatons. Again, the spirit of Shabbos had an effect on me, and some of the counselors saw that I was very interested. They told me about a college in New York City called Touro, which had a mechina (beginners) program for people like me, who have a limited background in Orthodox Judaism. I was already a senior in high school, and applying to various SUNY colleges for the following year. However, I decided that I wanted to go to Touro and become more religious. My parents accepted this decision, although it seemed a little crazy. We called up and made the arrangements, I got accepted, and went off to Touro and NYC that fall, without ever having so much as visited it. I basically just jumped in. Somehow I knew that it was the right thing to do. A good friend of mine who had also become involved in NCSY went to Touro as well, and we were roommates for many of our years there. The hardest part of this was having to break up with my boyfriend. He understood somehow, and he went on to become involved in religion himself (a different religion, although I prayed for a long time that he would find Judaism), which helped him to break away from the destructive lifestyle that he had been enmeshed in.
Touro’s program was amazing. I learned halacha (Jewish law), chumash (the five books of Moses), nuvi (prophets), Hebrew, etc., in addition to the secular subjects. My suitemates showed me the ropes in terms of getting around the city, details of keeping a kosher kitchen, and basic Orthodox lifestyle. I made so many new friends, wonderful people, and with varying levels of Orthodox Judaism. I grew in so many ways, spiritually, religiously, and socially. I maintained a close relationship with my parents, brother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. At times the adjustment to my new lifestyle was difficult for my parents, but they supported me every step of the way.
I got married in 1990 and have three wonderful children. Sadly the marriage ended in divorce, but I maintain an Orthodox lifestyle, and my ex-husband and I are trying our best to successfully “co-parent”. I am so happy to be able to raise my children as Orthodox Jews. It is a lifestyle that fosters kindness, a love for learning and continual growth, and helping others. I feel that G-d led me down a certain path, and enabled me to find the right place for myself, and for my children.
*** I think it is important to add that years later I ran into my boyfriend from high school and we had a nice time catching up and talking about our respective children. He also married, divorced, and has a beautiful daughter. I know it sounds somewhat cruel, that I sacrificed my relationship with him in order to take on my religion, but I believe in my heart that it was not meant for us to be together, and I am glad that he is in a much better place than he was back in high school.
FrumGoth lives in NYC and has been working as an occupational therapist for the past 16 years. She gets much enjoyment from watching her children grow up. FrumGoth has a zest for life and is devoted to her friends, family, and two cats.
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20 responses so far ↓
batya from NJ // November 6, 2009 at 11:27 am |
Frumgoth, i think you are very courageous. as a young teen you gave up the comfort & familiarity of your home life as a secular jewish teen & you also ended your serious relationship with your non-Jewish boyfriend all for the sake of trying to live a torah lifestyle. THAT is extremely impressive to me, as it so difficult for a teenager to abandon a lifestyle of free-spirited fun & to exchange it for some Jewish spirituality. that takes a LOT of guts & you should be commended for that. i am sad that your marriage did not work out but i pray that you will find someone worthy of you-your very own KoD or maybe another frum goth-you know a lot of orthodox guys do where black-LOL!!! have a great shabbos!
batya from NJ // November 6, 2009 at 11:29 am |
**typo above, “a lot of orthodox guys do WEAR black”
Dr. M, Psy.D. // November 6, 2009 at 1:26 pm |
Frumgoth’s story has some nice qualities, but as a psychologist it sounds to me like a reaction formation:
“Freud believed that anxiety is an unpleasant inner state that people sought to avoid…to protect ourselves from this anxiety, people employ Reaction formation unconsciously in their daily lives. Reaction Formation involves adopting opposite feelings, impulses or behavior…”
She was out of control and became religious as a way to rein herself in. Perhaps she eventually adopted the religious principles into her belief system, but she should probably seek counseling to deal with underlying issues and to prevent further crises in her life.
hadassahsabo // November 6, 2009 at 1:36 pm |
but i guess you could surmise this about any Baal Teshuva, about anyone that finds their way to religion. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that FrumGoth has underlying issues that need counselling just from one piece of prose.
Lady Lock and Load // November 6, 2009 at 3:32 pm |
“She was out of control and became religious as a way to rein herself in.” She was out of control because she was out drinking with her pals? Sounds like she was just a party animal like alot of teens. She was not on drugs or hospitalized with an eating disorder or getting pregnant. Doc M with the Psy.D, I don’t understand why you wrote this maybe you are trying to drum up business
batya from NJ // November 6, 2009 at 3:56 pm |
well said, LLL
frumgoth // November 6, 2009 at 5:09 pm |
To the good Dr,
I have sought counseling when I felt it was necessary, for support during situational difficulties, not b/c of any psychological issues. I think I am doing pretty well, considering some of what I’ve been through. Thanks for the supportive comments everyone!
Rainy // November 6, 2009 at 6:19 pm |
Well said! As someone with a somewhat similar life experience (and I’m also a frum goth, how funny!) I wanted to say that when I became observant didn’t do so because I viewed religion as a way to save me from myself. I became observant because it was what I wanted to do. Sure a lot of stuff in my pre-BT life is not good according to Torah, but I didn’t turn to Torah to save myself from that. I cherish the life I lived before, the good and bad parts, the mentally healthy and mentally unhealthy parts, because it brought me to the place where Torah became the logical next step. No therapy needed, thanks. I hate the tendency on the part of some BTs or folks who are FFB to view a non-observant past or life as anegative. It’s so nice to see comments where that isn’t happening.
Lois // November 6, 2009 at 6:37 pm |
Thanks for sharing your story. Will you allow your children the same freedom to follow their own paths as your parents allowed you, and support their choices as your parents did yours? In other words, if one of your children decide to not be orthodox, or perhaps join another religion, or marry a non-jew, will they have your unconditional love and support?
frumgoth // November 7, 2009 at 8:52 pm |
Rainy- yes, I also feel that becoming religious was the choice I made because I believe in it, and I feel that it is a good way of life. I also have very fond memories of my pre -BT life, although there were many things that i would have done differently. But I’m sure everyone has some regrets, even if they didn’t make a drastic life change, the way we did.
Lois- It’s interesting that you asked that question, b/c i was just discussing this with a friend who’s child has decided not to be religious. I will definitely give my children the freedom to decide how religious, or not, they want to be. If they do not choose this lifestyle, or if they join another religion altogether, I will continue to love and support them. And that goes for marrying a non-Jew as well. This is a controversial stance to take as an orthodox Jew, and most Orth. Jews will disagree with me, but I am more concerned with them being happy, and good people.
Lady Lock and Load // November 7, 2009 at 9:17 pm |
Frumgoth, if your child converts (G-d forbid)and gets married in a church, you would attend?
frumgoth // November 7, 2009 at 10:07 pm |
It’s hard to answer that. I would be upset, but they’re my kids. I realize that it’s hard to understand where I’m coming, but most of my family is intermarried: my aunt, three cousins, etc., and I have to say that my uncle (who is literally descended from the Vikings!) is such an amazing person. He has treated my family better than many Jews I know. And my cousins all have good lives with their non-Jewish spouses. I guess i’m being kind of hypocritical, b/c I ended a relationship with a non-Jew in order to become frum. But on the other hand, if one of my kids chose a different path, well, I would accept it. Who do we have in this world, if not family? I’m pretty much alone otherwise, no husband, so why would I cut myself off from one of the few ppl. i have in this world, just b/c she or he chose a different path?
frumgoth // November 7, 2009 at 10:17 pm |
just a funny side note – my uncle has been in a Jewish environment for so long that when he refers to something ridiculous that his machatanistas (who are not Jewish either) do he says “goyishe kopf” Cracks me up!
s(b.) // November 8, 2009 at 12:36 am |
“Who do we have in this world, if not family?”
Yep. And that’s the bottom line. Thanks for sharing your story.
Lady Lock and Load // November 8, 2009 at 4:03 pm |
“so why would I cut myself off from one of the few ppl. i have in this world” If someone marries someone not Jewish, they are cutting themselves off from the Jewish people. If a man marries a non Jewish woman, his children are not Jewish. If a woman marries a man who is not Jewish, this complicates the lives of their Jewish children (I write from experience). People who intermarry say that WE are the ones who cut them off but I think they are the ones who made that decision (whether knowingly or not) and have cut themselves off from the Jewish people.
Frumgoth, you didn’t answer my question, would you go to the church and watch the priest marry off your child? Yes or no.
Lady Lock and Load // November 8, 2009 at 4:35 pm |
I personally feel that a parent can NEVER cut off (sit shiva) for a child who intermarries. But I dont’ know if the parent must accept the non Jewish spouse.
frumgoth // November 8, 2009 at 4:48 pm |
Lady L & L,
I agree with you – intermarriage is cutting oneself off from the Jewish people, and we cannot be blamed for someone who chooses to do this, knowing the statistics. It is their personal decision. However, I feel that if it was my child I would have to accept it, and attend the wedding in the church, or risk losing my relationship with that child. It’s possible that this kind of action would indirectly affect any grandchildren born to such a union. Perhaps they will return to Judaism despite their parents intermarriage, due to a connection with the frum grandmother. It’s hard to know what consequences our actions will have, even years down the road.
frumgoth // November 8, 2009 at 5:22 pm |
Here is a link to an article that my friend Uzi Silber wrote on the subject of intermarriage.
http://forward.com/articles/116252/
Lady Lock and Load // November 8, 2009 at 5:29 pm |
One of my sisters married a non-Jew and it broke my parents heart. Upon seeing this, my other non religious sister decided she would only marry a Jew. Took her a long time but she did marry a Jew.
I think that if a child knows that the parent will always love them but will not accept a non Jew and will not go into a church for a marriage ceremoney, this may prevent that child from intermarriage. I have a book on my shelf “How to stop and intermarriage” that I would like to reread.
Frumgoth, since you say you are now orthodox, perhaps you are not aware of the fact that a frum person is not allowed to enter a church? That was my understanding. By attending their marriage in a church you are giving your stamp of approval, which I thought was clearly ossur. Good idea to speak to your Rabbi about this.
I think that us parents underestimate the impact we have on our children’s choices in life, and how much they want our approval and acceptance.
frumgoth // November 8, 2009 at 5:39 pm |
Well, it’s good that your other sister did marry a Jew. Do you think that with maintained contact with the family, your other sister’s children, if she has any, might find their way back?
Yes, I am aware that we are not supposed to go into a church, and of course I would be torn, but still, this would be (theoretically, of course) my child and I would be risking cutting that child out of my life by not going. Maybe part of this is the fall-out from my divorce talking (abandonment fears, etc.), I don’t know.
That’s an excellent point, that as parents we should never underestimate the impact we have on our children. We are their role models, and our attitudes, actions, and behaviors most definitely affect our children.