Wednesday’s Wacky Signs

UPDATE on the sickies

How do I live without you?

I received a question by email, and was asked to blog my answer. The question was “How did you go from being a family to move out and accept your circumstances?” From what this person has told me, s/he is stuck in a miserable marriage and is afraid to leave. Kids involved etc.

I am going to try to answer to the best of my ability. You just do it. When there is no choice in the matter, you do what you have to do to get through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute sometimes.

For much of my first marriage I was afraid that my husband would leave. Not that there was any sign of it – it was all the baggage I brought to the relationship. My father left when I was a toddler. In my mind that was just what men do. Fact. Marriage was not for life, it was for until the men left. My grandparents had a long marriage – over 50 years. But in my mind that wasn’t going to be possible for me. Most men leave.

As such, I was always afraid to disagree with my former husband. If I fought with him he’d leave. If I disagreed with him, he’d leave. If he didn’t like my food he’d leave. The fear of him leaving colored every interaction.

I am not shy to admit that I started seeing a therapist. This behaviour wasn’t healthy. At this point there was nothing happening to warrant me even thinking my ex would leave. The first session I told her that I was married, but that one day my husband would leave. I now understand why I thought that way, that at that point it was all my unfounded fear. Even after many therapy sessions, and improvements on my part, that fear was still there, albeit quieter. (BH I have conquered that fear with my new marriage).

Our marriage, toward the end, was unraveling due to circumstances that I will not discuss publicly. I knew subconsciously what was coming, yet I fervently prayed my prediction wouldn’t come true. This was one thing I hadn’t wanted to be right about. But he left. Our marriage was over and he moved out, leaving me and the children on our own.

Honestly, the morning after he left, when I woke up, there was an initial feeling of relief. No walking on eggshells, no being afraid of the possibility of him leaving. It was a done deal. It was final. I no longer had to live in fear of him leaving. He left. I was left to pick up the pieces with the kids. By myself. And there really is no guide book that tells you how to get through those first few agonizing days when all you want to do is curl into a ball and ignore the world. Those dear sweet children needed me. They needed my hugs and my love and to be reassured that everything was going to be ok. My world AND theirs was torn apart. I had a clue it was going to happen, they didn’t.

What got us through those first tough days, weeks and months – our friends and our community. They fed us, held us, rocked us, cried with us, spent time with the kids, and supported me in every way that I needed. Without judgment. It is a time that you learn who your friends are. Some people will not get involved in any way because divorce might be contagious. Some people who you never thought liked you will send a cooked meal, a card, a phone call.

That summer I learned on the job how to be a single mom and to rely on myself. I found I had the inner strength. I could have given up and retreated into my shell and just wasted away. I chose to fight to give myself and the kids a chance at living life to the full, albeit differently from what we had envisaged.

So dear reader, if you are so miserable, do what you can to try to fix it. Counseling etc. If you have gone that route and it hasn’t helped and you are at the point of no return – you are not alone. Speak to your rabbi or clergy person. Don’t do anything impulsive. Make a plan if you can. (I didn’t have that opportunity, it might have helped) It’s horrible to be in a marriage where you are unhappy. Putting the children first is always a good thing to do – focus on them and what their needs are. Reach out to family and friends for help – asking for help is so hard, but sometimes we have to swallow our pride. Good Luck!

Dear Friend,

Remember the long phone calls we had and emails etc when I was thinking of dating the KoD? Remember us jumping up and down at opposite ends of the country when things started to go real well? Remember the looong phone call we had when I drove back from Lake George that night, after meeting him, where we were both crying happy tears?

You were there with me every step of the way. You encouraged me and helped me, and devil’s advocated me when necessary. But through it all, you were my friend and felt such joy at our happiness. You know what I had been through, and you truly wanted the best for me. We found him, didn’t we??!!

So today when the KoD and I celebrated this special anniversary, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your unfailing friendship and eternal support. Being a friend is easy, being a good friend takes a lot of hard work. Thank you for everything. I love you girlie.

Hadassah

This is the pretty face of my sweet friend. I wish you only the best that life has to offer.

 

 

 

 

An Oldie But a Goodie

got this via email a while back.

TIPSY FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You will need the following; a cup of water, a cup of sugar, flour, 4 large brown
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon
juice, nuts, and a bottle of Scotch whiskey.
Sample the whiskey and check the quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of
butter in a large fluffy bowl.. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat
two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fit. Mix on the
turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the
turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to
bed.

Oh Happy Day!

It was a year ago today that the KoD and I met online. Such a wonderful year. Wonderful because we found our soul mate. Such a blessing, such an awesome feeling to know I am with my beshert.

Last night I spent a good hour reading through the initial emails that were flying back and forth between us. I laughed, I cried, I felt my heart expand even more. Jokes about us both having baggage – me wondering if it was a matching set, him asking if his luggage needed to be pink. Me telling him that Pinkitude comes with me, package deal, and he has to be able to handle that. Him telling me it was no sweat, easy peasy.

Exchanging photos of the kids and kvelling over them. Him constantly asking me that night for my phone number and me making him wait a day or two until I allowed him to call me. Playing hard to get works sometimes you know.

He took a risk and told me about Lucille, his Harley. I fell off my chair in absolute delight. Risk paid off, eh, KoD? I was lucky enough to ride Lucille with the KoD this summer. Truly an awesome experience.

Those first few emails – the email thread was at least 200 emails long – brought us closer, in a matter of mere hours. I still remember sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner with my laptop for company (kids were at their dad’s for dinner) when I got the first email. By the time we had finished the kids were home, all tucked up in bed and I was sat on the sofa in the living room with a huge grin on my face. The attention was awesome and flattering, and I had a feeling he was an awesome guy.  I didn’t want to go to sleep in case he replied to the last email I had sent. I think he felt the same way.

It was ten days until we met in person in Lake George. Ten days of hours spent on the phone every night, sleep not necessary. From the moment we physically met that was it, inseparable forever. Here is the story about that night.  The following weekend the KoD wanted me to come to Monsey to meet his people, to see where he lived etc. He drove up to Montreal to pick me up. He drove almost 6 hours to get me, and 6 hours to get back to Monsey. And did the same for the reverse journey. What a guy!! It was awesome to sit and talk in the car and really spend time together without any distractions. We talked and talked. I subjected him to some of my music. I am an 80s chick all the way. I am still way touched that he didn’t ask me to switch it off. That’s love for you. He’s a blues man thru and thru.

Now that was an awesome weekend. I stayed at friends of his, who are now my friends too. We ate one of the Shabbat meals at a family who I had known here in Montreal years ago – so they could have, if we had asked, vouched for either one of us to the other. It was so important to see each other in our own environments. We had a black tie event that Saturday night – and he was so proud to walk in there with me! It was all people he knew and worked with, no one I recognized, but I was just so happy to be there with him as his date. By this point we both knew that this was it, that we were meant to be together.

It wasn’t long before he came up to Montreal and met my boys and got their seal of approval. Soon after, we became engaged – he proposed in front of my boys after privately asking their permission. We were married February 15^th 2009 in front of God, friends and family. Click here, here and here for the wedding story.

The time we spend together is awesome, but it is never enough. I love watching the KoD with my boys – they adore him and respect him and love him to pieces. Some nights when he calls when they are still up I cannot get to the phone to speak to my husband for an hour while they all fill him in on their day – and he has the patience to listen. (More than I do, sometimes). It will be just a couple more months until we will be living together under the same roof in Monsey, having been granted our entry visas (please God let it happen soon soon soon).

After a whole year of knowing my KoD, I am more in love with him now than I ever was. My love for him grows every day. It’s hard to even remember a time when he wasn’t in my life. He completes me. When I was dating I knew I didn’t need a man to make me happy. I worked on myself a lot, and knew that my own personal happiness and satisfaction had to come from within. If you rely on someone else for that you are setting yourself up for failure. The KoD adds to that. He builds on that. However awesome I felt about myself, there is no way I could make myself the centre of my universe. With kids, no mom can do that. The KoD has put me squarely at the centre of his, and I know he will deny me nothing. I know his love for me is pure and deep. I see it when I look in his eyes and see his soul.

I just wish we could celebrate this landmark day together.

My true love hath my heart and I have his……

Piggy Flu

My Judaism – Submissions

I have started what I hope to be a regular feature every Friday on the blog. Reader submissions talking about their own Judaism. What Judaism means to them, what their spiritual journey has been, thoughts and feelings about belonging (or not) to this group of people. I welcome submissions from all. This is about a person’s own spiritual journey. I have always been so interested in why people convert to Judaism, why they decide to become more / less religious, why they decided to give it all up / take it all on, how being around Judaism has influenced them. There are so many lessons to be learned from everybody’s spiritual journeys.

PLEASE NOTE: I will not print anything hateful or inciteful and I ask that in the comments people are respectful, even if they do not agree. I also must state that printing someone’s submission in no way, shape or form means that I agree with the religious views that are held by the writer.  I might, I might not. I reserve the right to edit as I see fit. I also reserve the right to reject a piece based on content. Submissions should be 1200 – 1500 words, accompanied by a head shot and a 3-4 sentence bio. If you have a blog I can include a hyperlink too. If you wish to be anonymous, please let me know.

All submissions and / or questions to be sent to hadassahmilner at gmail dot com. If I do not have an email address to reply to, I will not even consider printing the submission.

Looking forward to your submissions.

Haveil Havalim #241

The weekly carnival of Jewish Bloggers is up on Simply Jews. Click here to go visit and read through these awesome links. Thank you for including my blog in such esteemed company.

to my KoD

I miss you. Purely and simply.

i carry your heart with me by e e cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)