I received an email from a friend / acquaintance who is in shidduchim. She is a Baalat Tshuva of some years, and is in her early 30s.


She was recently introduced to a shadchan in New York who wants to start setting her up on dates. She told me that she stormed out of the meeting with this person when the questioning got too personal. Is it normal for a shadchan to ask either party, male or female, if they are a virgin or even how many sexual partners they have had??!!


My friend was so disgusted that she left, and doesn’t really want to go see any shadchanim after that. I can’t blame her. What is this world coming to? Would they ask that of an FFB? If a person chooses not to answer – does that count against them?


I feel ill.

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10 responses to “Disgusted

  1. Well, knowing if the person is a virgin or not does play into the selection of a potential mate(kohen). Number of mates- not so much. Seems the shadchan, like many, have not taken tact lessons. BUT, IF I were a Shadchan, I’d like to know as much as I could about the people I’m setting up. The info might not ever be divulged to the other party, but all these things do help to match up people.

    Would I ask this question on the first meeting? NEVER!

  2. about virginity – yes\
    how many partners – never

  3. Maybe a mandatory screen for sexually transmitted diseases would be a better idea than asking nosy questions about how many partners. And i’m only half joking. With the things that are going on out there, you really don’t know who might have something, whether they are “frum” or not

  4. 1. Virginity is not a criteria for marrying a Cohen. Hello?? A Cohen can marry a widow.

    2. Whether or not a specific woman can marry a Cohen is a question for a poseq, not a shadchanit.

    3. A shadchanit should ask if a woman is permitted to marry a Cohen. Should the woman not know the halachot, the shadchanit should suggest the women consult her Rav and call back with an answer.

    4. God knows, these days there are so many reasons why a woman might not be elligible to marry a Cohen. The shadchanit does not need to know why, just whether or not the woman is allowed to marry a Cohen.

    5. A shadchanit who asks such questions might be “over” on Lashon HaRah. She should consult a Rav about this issue.

    6. I would never send any woman or man to a shadchanit who asks such questions about anyone.

    7. What if the woman was raped? What if the woman was date raped? Oh, I forgot, those things never happen in the Orthodox world.

    8. There is absolutely no reason for a shadchanit to ask those questions. Your friend is right not to return to her. Not all shadchaniot are like that.

    Can you tell how absolutely appalled and offended I am?!?!?

  5. unfortunately there are some unethical people out there, who believe that the questions they ask are Lishmah, that they have a right to ask these things so as to make the right shidduch.

    I am sure you have noticed on wedding invitations that it says by the kallah’s name sometimes “HaKallah HaBetulah HaMeholelah” – stating for all to see that she is a virgin. doesnt say the same for the chattan. A womans virginity is not anybody’s business but her own and her future husband’s. Period. Full Stop.

    Frumgoth – you make an excellent point. all people going thru shadchanim should have to be tested for STDs at the same time as the other genetic things. but the results need to go to the person themselves, that kind of information can be very dangerous.

  6. I have NEVER seen that on an invitation.

    I am horrified by the thought!!

    It is bad enough that it is mentioned in a standard ketubah for a first marriage.

  7. Yes, I agree, STD testing results in the wrong hands could be very dangerous. People should be responsible, get the info. for themselves, and get treated, if necessary. It sounds extreme, but a few of the guys that I have dated told me some crazy stuff about what’s going on out there (frum people rebounding from bad relationships/marriages and engaging in unsafe sex, etc.)

  8. believe me FrumGoth, the stories i could tell you – people are so not what they seem out there, it will all be in my tell all book one day

  9. It’s a common misconception that a Cohen has to marry a virgin. Only a Cohen Gadol has to marry a virgin. I agree with what RivkA said in comment 4.

    It seems like this shadchanit was overstepping normal boundaries and I’m sorry your friend had to deal with that.

    For the record, in this day and age, they will not change a first marriage kesubah to remove “besulah” if the bride is not a virgin. Ask how I know that 😉

    Frumgoth, you are so right. It literally sickens me when I think about some of the stories and goings on that I know of among supposedly frum young men and women. STD testing should be required before marriage.

  10. people are so not what they seem out there[]

    Some people are not what they seem, but others are exactly what they seem.

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