Daily Archives: July 20, 2009

9 days – a funny

Courtesy of my KoD. We were on the phone chatting away, and I asked him whether he showers in the 9 days.

He says “Yes, but I take shorter showers”.

To which I say “Really?”

“Yes”,  he says, “I shower on my knees”.


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Perfect Marriage?

I am so sick of people telling us that we have the perfect marriage, because we only see each other every other weekend. These people think that because we don’t live under the same roof we can’t nag each other nor fight and then we will have wild weekends when we are together. “The best of both worlds”. We can nag and we can fight – whether we do or not is our business. The wild weekends – mind your own business!! People think that when we are apart we can enjoy the single life and not get caught by the other for having too much fun without them. This is such a fallacy.

Living apart and being married, folks, is horrible. Yes, there is that excitement to see each other that is still there after 5 months, and generally when you see someone daily, that excitement does wear off. When you do have a disagreement it is worse, because the phone doesn’t show you the facial expressions, you can’t necessarily feel the nuances of someone’s mood when you aren’t with them. (yeah, we all know I am the moody one). When you are having a really bad day you just want to come home to your spouse, close the door, and focus your attention on what really matters. But when coming home to your spouse entails a drive of 333 miles, it isn’t quite so easy.

I am a total social butterfly. I have a lot of friends and love hanging out with them and my kids. I plan on being the same once I move but the difference will be that I will totally enjoy hanging out with my KoD and my friends and their spouses and all the kids. I do go out a lot here, but every time I wish the KoD was joining us. Ok maybe a time or two its totally girlie time and I know I will need that once I move too. I am sick of going to weddings alone, although the truth is, at most of these weddings we wouldn’t be sitting together anyway. I am sick of being sick and having no help – I have had a migraine for two days and have to push myself to do everything the kids need because I have no choice. If the KoD was with me he would help me to get better faster by pitching in when needed. Without question. And he would dote on me and do all he could to make me feel better.

For him, I can’t even imagine how hard it is once I have left after the weekend, coming home to an empty house. No one there waiting for him after work, with supper cooking and a “how was your day?” At least I have the noise and chatter of the Princes, and the occasional squishes. Having coffee alone in the mornings without looking at my grumpy un-caffeinated face must be so tough (wait a sec, isn’t that a plus?).

But the worst is a Shabbat apart. BH this summer it hasn’t happened too much as the kids are off school so it’s easier to travel. But sitting down to Friday night dinner, with one’s spouse hundreds of miles away is a killer. I cry every Friday night when my kids sing Eshet Chayil and my KoD isn’t there. Mind you I cry when I am with the KoD and he sings it to me. But the first are tears of sadness and the second are tears of joy and contentment.

There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t think about my husband, not an event, not a phone call, NOTHING that happens without him being foremost in my mind. I wake up with thoughts of him on my mind, having dreamed of him, trying to catch those dreams before they fade into the ether. We know where the other one is all the time, but it doesn’t help to assuage the loneliness. I am always thinking of ways to drive down and surprise him, except I don’t do it because the kids have to come first.

So all of you out there who say you envy us, don’t. This commuter marriage has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. When you next see your spouse this morning, or after work tonight, you can touch him / her, have a hug, breathe the same air. Sleep together, wake up together, eat together. Every day. One day the KoD and I will have that and we will appreciate it more than other couples. But right now, it isn’t our reality and our reality is harder than anyone might think. Missing him is an ache that never heals – when we see each other it’s a balm for that ache, but it starts back up again the minute we part. So, don’t wish for what you don’t understand.

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