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I received the following letter thru email today, I answered her personally, but I wanted to see what my commenters would come up with. You guys generally are on the ball!!
“My friend told me that her kallah teacher said that you should limit your interaction with your chosson during engagement, that you shouldn’t get too close, because only after marriage do you have like a “security” that he’ll stay with you. That if you get too close beforehand then you may become ordinary to him and he might start to find faults.
But then I’m thinking that when I get married I want to already feel close to my chosson, I want to start off the marriage with me loving him, that he should be my best friend. I was observing a cousin’s wedding, where I watched my cousin interact with her chosson and it felt like they were barely talking to each other, and it made it seem like she wasn’t into it. I want at my wedding that when I look at my chosson there will be that gleam in my eye that I’m excited to marry him. Am I allowed to feel that way? I’m confused.”
So what do you say, folks? Should our kallah keep her distance from her bridegroom before the wedding or should she ignore the yentas and do what she feels right?
This happened to a friend of mine. She was cruising the frum-o-sphere in search of her very own KoD and came across an interesting profile. The guy sounded sweet and sincere, and had many similarities to her ideal Mr Right. Hashkafically they seemed to be compatible too.
They chatted online and on the phone a few times until they agreed that they should finally meet. Luckily enough they were in the same city. (wow, that happens??)
As is the norm in this kind of religious world dating, she had her people do some investigating before the actual physical date. All their sources agreed at how nice this guy is, what a gentleman, lovely family, no one had a bad word to say about him. One person returned to her with a whisper, not even a rumour, that there had been some trouble with a previous girlfriend. Nothing major, no concrete evidence…. Upon further investigation she found more people whispering the same thing, but again no proof.
Now, she wanted to still go ahead and meet him, after all there was nothing to substantiate the rumours. Her friends were telling her that there is no smoke without fire, that she should just cancel and move on. Another friend told her to ask him outright before the date about the issues – his reaction would be telling. Yet another of her trusted advisors told her to go ahead, meet him, spend an evening with him, and then evaluate.
What would you have advised her to do? Do you agree that background checks are necessary? Should she have given him a chance to defend himself? Should she have ignored the friends and gone out with him to judge his moral character for herself?