Advice Needed – a Reader’s Letter

I received this letter over the weekend, and took some time to think about my answer. I will say what I think, and then ask you, dear readers, to chime in with your opinions.

Dear HSM,

I love your blog. You are just so fresh and honest and funny. I wanted to ask you a question. Is it normal for a husband to look at other women? Does the KoD look at other women? It bothers me. I do my best to make the most of my looks, and I think I am attractive, but I always notice my husband glancing at the women around us, in restaurants or at simchas. Does this mean that after two years of marriage he isn’t attracted to me anymore?

Please Help.

I think it is normal for anyone to look and appreciate a thing of beauty. If you go to the bakery for bread, you notice the yummy cakes and desserts. But if you are on a diet you don’t buy them. They are not ugly to you, only forbidden. They look great and you can appreciate their splendor. But you walk out of the bakery only with what you came in for.

We notice many things around us, and for some people it happens to be that they notice the opposite sex a lot more than others do. If your husband is looking at other women it doesn’t mean that he wants to be with them. From what I understand, men are by nature more visual than women. Me, I notice good looking guys and I notice good looking women. I am sure sometimes I stare when I see a particularly attractive specimen. It doesn’t mean that I want to ditch my marriage to be with that person. I don’t. I just take a few seconds to appreciate the beauty that God has created. And I move on with my day. I will be honest, I have never seen the KoD checking out another woman, unless I have pointed her out to him. But I do believe he is the exception rather than the rule.

If it makes you that uncomfortable, talk to your husband. Tell him that it bothers you and express your concern that he no longer sees you as attractive. I am sure he does not even realize he is checking out other women. Once you make him aware of his behaviour, it’s possible he will do it less, or at least be more aware of himself when he is out with you.

Good Luck!

Disclaimer: I am NOT a licensed therapist nor even claim to know what I am talking about. Do not make any decisions based on anything I say. Professional help should always be sought when there are issues to deal with.

OK readers, now it’s your turn to chime in…..

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11 responses to “Advice Needed – a Reader’s Letter

  1. As long as he is not violating any religious laws that you two adheare to, I see nothing wrong with it. You are the one he is married to and the one he comes home to. You are married a short time and I think that women’s minds can run amuck. Have u heard of a man leaving his wife lately? Watched any movies that you see some similarity. Be your own sweet loving self. As Hadassah said… the cake is off limits when u r on a died… but dreaming about the taste is not.

  2. Lady Lock and Load

    Dear “please help”,
    I think your husband needs to see some stars, which you aren’t giving him enough of. Next time you see him leering at other women, take a rolling pin and slam it hard on his keppi. Works like a charm!
    Lady Lock and Load

  3. LLL – Y is it the woman’s fault. If she really thinks there is a problem, then talk it out. Sounds like your husband had the same problem at one time…huh?

  4. ITA with Hadassah’s advice. It’s easy for me to say because I have never been a jealous type, but it does not bother me when my husband glances at an attractive woman. Heck, I look at attractive people too, they catch my attention, they’re pleasing to the eye! I’m certainly not about to run off with the next beautiful “specimen” I see (male or female!) But, if it bothers you, you should talk to him and he should make an effort to respect your feelings. Good luck!

    LLL, I am going to assume you’re being funny. Your comment certainly made me smirk! ;o)

  5. It’s one thing to look at other women or guys when you are alone or with buddies but I prefer my man to notice only me when we are sitting across each other at a restaurant. Isn’t it kind of rude to be conversing with your partner and just glance away at a nice looking person walking through the door?

  6. My hubby and I have been together for 15 years and there is a saying here that applies: “I don’t care wear you get your appetite from, as long as you come home for dinner!”. There is a big difference between appreciating the view and forming an intent to do something about it.

    I do agree with the other readers though – talk it out. Without blaming just let him know how you feel and if he is even aware of it. When you are comfortable you can even get to a place where you can ask what makes that other person attractive. Fantasies can be fun and that information can be used to spice up your relationship.

    Hubby and I are avid readers and once we had a long discussion about fictional characters that “turned our heads”. They were fictional – so there was no threat – but it gave a lot of insight into traits that we found sexually attractive.

    Best of luck!

  7. like the old saying goes, “It doesnt matter where you get your appetite, so long as you always eat at home…”

  8. It may be totally normal – ok even – for a guy to look at other women. But it’s tactless and rude for him to do it when he’s with his wife.

  9. Let’s face it…we do look. But we better not touch (whether or not we observe shomer negiah [regulations against physical contact with opposite gender])!

    I suppose that the problem may also be whether the man STARES at the other women in a way that makes his significant other complain. Then he may have a problem. As long as it is clear that he is only going to go home with her, the issue may only be normal visual attraction.

    I suspect that Lord Lock and Load will NEVER think of looking at anyone else. LOL!

  10. Sure. We ALL look. My husband accuses ME of looking more at other women than HE does!
    Some have more “tact” and don’t show they have whiplash from their exercions, but others just stare and stare.
    Mention it to your spouse- but DO NOT play the ‘jealous’ card. Recognize that they probably don’t even realize they do it, but try to make them more aware of it so that they can better monitor their behaviour.
    I’m sure your spouse will laugh it off and in the end, so should you. Nothing is more unattractive than low self confidence.

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