Daily Archives: March 20, 2012

My Shidduch Experience

In continuation from my last post, I wanted to share this with you.

I went to a shadchan. Once. It was after my divorce, when I was getting back into the dating scene (and after I had dropped 45 lbs – had I gone before…..well, read on). This woman was someone I had never met before but we had a mutual friend.

She was very frank with me. “You are divorced and you have four kids. No one will want you. You will for sure have to settle. But… you are skinny, so perhaps it won’t be impossible…”

I walked out.

Through the magic of online dating I was blessed beyond belief to find my KoD – he is my everything, my soul mate, my missing piece! I certainly did NOT settle.

While my heart breaks for those poor girls mentioned in the previous post who are looking for a husband first time around, it breaks even more for those women who have been around the block like I had. I was a mom of 4 boys, 34 years of age and dating again. I had stretch marks and wrinkles and a silver hair or two. Was I supposed to get plastic surgery to hide all of that? Heck no – those are distinctions I wear with pride. Every wrinkle tells a story, the stretch marks are badges of honor from when I carried my babies, the silver hairs – well, they each have a name on them. But they are ME, they represent MY story. Do second time singles – due to divorce or widowhood – have to start feeling this crazy pressure too? Can we surgically excise our past? It’s hard enough as it is to get back out there, with kids, with history, having been hurt.

The men my age in similar situations were all dating women years younger than them. A guy in his thirties can still date a 20-something never been married and not be looked at askance. Reverse those roles? Not so much. Guys my age were not interested. And yes, I married an older guy – but one who loves my wrinkles and my silver highlights and wouldn’t want me to change a thing about myself.

Let me suggest that you go read what my buddy Eliyahu Fink had to say on this issue. How to Solve the Shidduch Crisis WITHOUT Advocating for a Bunch of Nose Jobs