One thing I said years ago after my separation and subsequent divorce, was that I would NEVER ever get married again. In fact, I said I was off men for good. All they do it bring heartache and pain and there was no way I was ever going to open myself up to that again. I had my boys – I didn’t want or need a man.
After a year or so on my own I started to revise that statement. I may not have wanted to get married at that point, but the idea of actually dating a MAN did not seem quite so terrifying. I eventually started to date. I dated the wrong men (oy, it hurts to look back), I dated the almost-right men – I have chronicled some of it here on this blog – but at some point I knew I wanted more.
At this point I was happy – happy from within myself, not dependent on anyone for that happiness. I had let go so much of the bitterness and resentment that had festered within. I was happy and content – on my own terms. I knew I didn’t need a man in order to be happy, however I wanted a partner to share in that happiness and expand upon it.
I wanted to feel that I was the center of someone’s universe, I wanted to feel loved, to feel warmth, to feel special. I wanted to be #1 on someone’s list. I wanted to be needed and cherished. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to share my life with an equal partner. I knew I was ready to love again, and take the marital plunge. It just became a question of finding Mr Right.
When I think back to how vehemently I had railed against marriage in those early dark times, I wince and chuckle a little wryly. THEN, that was how I felt. I was so sure that feeling would last forever. Thank the good Lord it didn’t. Time does heal, and I learnt that all men were not the same. All men were not the enemy. I was finally ready to give marriage another shot – but I was so cautious when dating. I made the KoD jump through hoops and practically pushed him away before I realized he was the one. (Yup, I almost let him go….)
Never say never – no one knows what’s around the corner.