You have a single girlfriend who is, as they say, in the parsha ie dating for marriage. She needs guidance. You are sympathetic to her story and want to help her all you can. However she prefers to speak with your husband, finds his advice more helpful for some reason. You have no reason to distrust her, but it makes you uncomfortable. Hubby thinks you are over reacting – it’s not like either of them are hiding their conversations from you.
Is this appropriate? Should single women be calling a married man for advice about anything? For that matter, should married women call someone else’s husband for advice about anything? Eg furniture, cars, politics etc.
What are your thoughts?
(not my story, not my husband)
I received this letter over the weekend, and took some time to think about my answer. I will say what I think, and then ask you, dear readers, to chime in with your opinions.
I love your blog. You are just so fresh and honest and funny. I wanted to ask you a question. Is it normal for a husband to look at other women? Does the KoD look at other women? It bothers me. I do my best to make the most of my looks, and I think I am attractive, but I always notice my husband glancing at the women around us, in restaurants or at simchas. Does this mean that after two years of marriage he isn’t attracted to me anymore?
I think it is normal for anyone to look and appreciate a thing of beauty. If you go to the bakery for bread, you notice the yummy cakes and desserts. But if you are on a diet you don’t buy them. They are not ugly to you, only forbidden. They look great and you can appreciate their splendor. But you walk out of the bakery only with what you came in for.
We notice many things around us, and for some people it happens to be that they notice the opposite sex a lot more than others do. If your husband is looking at other women it doesn’t mean that he wants to be with them. From what I understand, men are by nature more visual than women. Me, I notice good looking guys and I notice good looking women. I am sure sometimes I stare when I see a particularly attractive specimen. It doesn’t mean that I want to ditch my marriage to be with that person. I don’t. I just take a few seconds to appreciate the beauty that God has created. And I move on with my day. I will be honest, I have never seen the KoD checking out another woman, unless I have pointed her out to him. But I do believe he is the exception rather than the rule.
If it makes you that uncomfortable, talk to your husband. Tell him that it bothers you and express your concern that he no longer sees you as attractive. I am sure he does not even realize he is checking out other women. Once you make him aware of his behaviour, it’s possible he will do it less, or at least be more aware of himself when he is out with you.
Disclaimer: I am NOT a licensed therapist nor even claim to know what I am talking about. Do not make any decisions based on anything I say. Professional help should always be sought when there are issues to deal with.
OK readers, now it’s your turn to chime in…..
At my bridal shower we had a game where everyone present had to write down on a flower shaped paper two pieces of marital advice – one risqué, one not. So for example, “don’t go to bed angry” and “have a code name for nookie”, and then they were all collected (having been written anonymously), pipe cleaners threaded through the middle of the flower, and presented to me in a bouquet. It was actually very cute and sweet.
So if you were giving out marital advice, what would you advise a newlywed couple? Thanks.
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