Tag Archives: heinous or harmless

Heinous or Harmless – Interesting Quandary

DivorceSo I am cleaning up the house, getting rid of everything that I can, as we already have a furnished house in NY to move to, so the less we bring the better for everyone. Amazing how much clutter one can accumulate without even trying.

I came across the wedding pictures from my first wedding, to the father of my children. We are no longer married, we have each moved on and are married to other people.

Do I need to keep the albums? This is a serious question. I was told I should keep them for the kids, but I have boys, they are so not into looking at photos of people from decades ago. Even if it is their parents. If I do get rid of them, is that so heinous? I would rather not move them into my new marital home. I feel that would be disrespectful to the KoD.

What do you think? Is there anyone out there who has faced the same issues? Would it really be hurting my kids to safely dispose of them?

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Heinous or Harmless – family yichus* in dating

Where to start with this one? Sadie desperately wants to be a married lady. She meets and falls in love (without a shadchan {matchmaker}, tsk tsk) with Hershel. He is everything she wants in a man, and more, and will be the perfect father for her future children. He proposes, she accepts, all is good, right?

No. All is not good. See, Sadie’s parents didn’t get the chance to approve the match, as Sadie met him socially, not through them. As if this isn’t bad enough, Hershel’s father is currently imprisoned for a criminal offense (not white collar crime, one must know where the line is drawn). These two things together have given the parents the message that poor Hershel is a bad match and he should be given his walking papers. Nothing personal, you know.

Sadie, of course, is refusing to listen to her parents. She lives at home but works and supports herself and could afford to move out if she wishes. In the religious world this isn’t such a common occurrence. Hershel is a fine upstanding citizen training to be a doctor (even I am kvelling {bursting with pride} over this) and wants nothing to do with his criminal paternal unit. But Sadie’s mother and father have told her that if she marries him, they will not attend the wedding nor pay for anything to do with it. They will wash their hands of her. Completely.

Sadie has a little brother who will soon be of dating age. They are worried that if they are known to “associate with the criminal element” that their son will no longer be able to find a normal shidduch and his sister will have ruined any chances he might have had at making a decent match.

Are Sadie’s mom and dad right in forbidding her to marry Hershel? Should Sadie listen or strike out on her own, with the courage of her convictions, secure in her personal knowledge that Hershel is the one for her? Are Sadie’s parents being narrow-minded and bigoted? Do they have a right to be concerned that their prospective son-in-law might have crime in his DNA? Should they have been “dan lechaf zechut” (judge the situation based on its’ merits)? What would you do in their shoes?

(*Yichus – lineage)

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Heinous or Harmless – laundry

So, apartment living means using the laundry room. We are lucky to have one on each floor. With one washer and one dryer. Yesterday I had about 5 loads to do. We are not supposed to use the machine between 9pm and 8am, out of consideration for the people whose apartment backs onto the laundry room. I had planned my day to be a laundry day.

I shlepped my first load to the laundry room at 8. Machine was in use. In fact the same woman was using the washing machine continuously until about 3pm. I was only able to get one load done before we had to leave for the graduation festivities.

So that brings me to this morning, still lots of laundry to do, and kids running out of clothes. I snuck into the laundry room at 7 to do the first load, so that I could get to the machines first. I went back at 745 to put the second load in and a neighbour had left her laundry bag near the machine. I ignored the bag and put my stuff in – she wasn’t there, surely I didn’t have to wait for her? We were both wrong in wanting to do laundry before 8, but as the machine wasn’t available yesterday is it so heinous? Is it so heinous that I ignored her bag and put my second load in?

I will wait till later to do the other loads, I cannot monopolize the machine all day, much that I want to.

Have I told you I HATE apartment living? Our house in Monsey has a laundry machine all of its own that I can use WHENEVER I want. Do you guys have any idea how absolutely amazingly awesome of a bracha (blessing) that is?

ETA – oooh this is war – I went back to get my stuff out of the dryer. The dryer door was wide open and my stuff was hanging out sopping wet. Maybe I was wrong, granted, but there is no reason to regress to infantile tactics…

Heinous or Harmless?

misc 001My Eleven year old son was given this tee shirt by a family member. He was very excited to wear it. I am horrified at the message – an eleven year old yeshivah boy needs to be aware of his effect on girls?

I have a good mind to disappear the shirt once it gets into the laundry. What are your thoughts?

UPDATE – the kid asked me to get rid of the shirt…..

Heinous or Harmless – Tailor Etiquette

I was just at a high-end tailor – I have a GORGEOUS simcha suit that needed to be taken in and adjusted. For regular hemming, lining, kick pleat sewing up (Ok I don’t do that, but let’s imagine) and nothing too difficult I use a lady that has a storefront near us. She is cheap, her work is good, better than mine would be anyway and everyone from the community goes there. But this suit needs a lot of TLC. It’s silk, has beading and I am very attached to it and I will look super awesome in it when it actually fits.

So, I schlep to the tailor who has done intricate work for me before, and had impressed me with his skill. I try on the suit. He gets out the pins. As he is pinning we are chatting, as one does. He asked the relevant questions, married, kids (I said WE had seven) etc. He then told me that I have a lucky husband. I said I know he is lucky, but why do YOU think he is? “Because you have a great body.” WTH? What am I supposed to say to that when the speaker is millimeters away from sticking me with pins, but I feel ogling me as he is pinning and has his hands near or on my body as he works? I totally blushed and tried to change the direction of the conversation. But I felt icky. Surely a tailor should keep his thoughts to himself, kind of like a doctor would.

I need a shower…..

Heinous or Harmless?

Heinous or Harmless – gift giving


You are given a gift of money by a relative for a birthday or anniversary. You take that money, go into a store and buy something for someone else with that money. You also know that the person who gave you the money absolutely dislikes the person for whom you are buying a gift. Is it wrong to spend that money on that person? Or is it your money once you have received it and you can spend it then on whom you like?


Interested in what you think….

The Original Heinous or Harmless


(I am reposting this due to popular demand – it was an issue back in the summer when I posted it, and this kind of behaviour remains an issue for some people even now, I am sure. Perhaps someone somewhere can learn something….how to behave or what behaviour is unacceptable)

Here is a situation that can be looked at from different angles. I would like to know your perspective. You have been communicating with someone by phone, email, text and webcam for a month without meeting. This special person lives far from you, but you are going to be in that neck of the woods for business and you arrange to go out. You are going there anyway. Not going there just for him / her.

You have also arranged to meet up with an old friend while you are in town, who just happens to be of the opposite sex from you, but it’s a platonic friendship, and you trust the person very much.

You tell person you are dating that you are seeing a friend for dinner and a show, they should respect that, right? If they are secure enough in their relationship with you, they should trust you, right?

Is it wrong of the person you are dating to call you while you are at dinner with the friend? To text you through the evening to make sure you are ok? To throw a fit when you haven’t yet called to say you are home and its midnight already? Is this a sign of controlling behaviour? Or is just a sign that the person is smitten with you, and you should indulge him/her his/her little foibles? (let’s say by this point there have been two dates with out of town person)

I am very curious as to what you think!

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Heinous or Harmless? #754


As you all know I have recently had the good fortune to marry the love of my life, the KoD. Between the two of us we have seven great children, aged 6 to almost 14. I guess people think that they can ask us anything, because they do. I cannot tell you how many people have asked me the following question:

“are you and the KoD planning to have more babies?”


I have to say I am totally offended by the question. It is absolutely nobody’s business. One friend said I am being totally hypersensitive – that it’s just natural curiosity. But I disagree. It’s a very private issue, no one’s business but ours and G-d’s.


So readers, is it a heinous or harmless question?

Heinous or Harmless?#753



I had this discussion on FaceBook and now I am moving it here. I like to surf OnlySimchas for news of the latest hatches and matches. It doesn’t specifically define itself as a site for religious Jews, but I would say from what I have seen it is mainly religious Jews who post their happy occasions there. So, this morning, I came across a recently engaged couple who put up photos like everyone else does. Except. Except for the fact that there is a picture of the couple locking lips. I have no problem with people doing whatever they want to do. I just found it inappropriate on this particular site. Most engagement photos on this site show the couple at least a foot apart. (Ours was a little closer, maybe half a foot, but still there was no contact).


I checked into the terms of service, as there is an option to report “abuse”, I just don’t think this counts as abuse per se, I just want this picture gone. Lots of frum young girls surf this site and it just isn’t for them to see this. (and you guys know by now I am not a prude, but there is a place for everything and this isn’t it)


The terms of service say that users of the site are forbidden to post “Any materials inconsistent with the values of the spirit of the OnlySimchas community.” – but I have as yet been able to find the definition of what the OS community defines itself as. They of course reserve the right to remove any picture that they deem offensive or inappropriate.  They also say “There are many instances where the attire and activity in a photo are viewed as offensive to some and innocuous to others. In those situations, OnlySimchas reserves the right to make a final ruling based on several factors”


What do you think? Heinous or Harmless?



Heinous or Harmless?



I live in an apartment building that has laundry rooms on every floor. When I do my laundry I try very hard to time the loads so that my stuff is not sitting in the machine when someone else wants to do a load. There is someone on my floor who ALWAYS forgets her clothes are in the machine, or is just too busy to get back to the laundry room, and the clothing can sit there for hours.  I very much hate when I have been delayed for someone to take my clothing out of the washer / drier and just pile them on top so they can use the machines. It’s just not in my comfort zone. So I try very hard to show the same consideration to others. But how long is it acceptable to wait for her to remember she was doing laundry – and when does one decide to just empty the machine because you need to use it NOW? Is emptying the machine, when it has finished its’ cycle, so you can use it, heinous or harmless?