Tag Archives: love

Lessons can be learnt from everyone

Yesterday, at that interminable day spent at the consulate, the clerk we dealt with was a wonderful lady. We had to review all the forms etc with her, which for five people, was a lot of work. We were missing some photocopies, the medical for one child had gone AWOL and the reply paid envelope we brought apparently wasn’t big enough (and I did call in advance to find out!) plus there was one form that we had not filled out for the kids, and it had to be filled out for all four.

With every little set back at this initial stage my heart plummeted and panic probably showed on my face. But this lady, she was awesome. Her attitude was that none of this is major stuff, it could all be sorted and fixed, no point in sweating it. Here was a bureaucrat with an awesome attitude. She suggested that KoD go out to get the photocopies, the reply envelope and pick up the medical, while I stay and use the computer terminal to fill out the forms. She could not have been more helpful.

Her work is repetitive – she’s been there 33 years!! She must have seen some interesting things and witnessed stories that make our story look benign in comparison. Her cheerful tone and can-do attitude made this whole experience easier to bear. We ended up joking about children, and she told us a story about her son climbing into the washing machine at 4 years old. She really helped me to feel better.

The lesson I walked away with, after spending some time with this lady was that when it comes to paperwork and bureaucracy there is nothing so major that it cannot be fixed with a little time and patience, that there is no need to sweat the small stuff.

Today is a fresh new day. Every new day that we have is a gift. I sit here, marshalling the kids through showers and breakfast, preparing coffee for the KoD, and I know I am blessed beyond belief. So, the paperwork is a little held up and delayed. We can deal. Look what I have – I have love surrounding me, from my kids, my husband, and from my awesome friends. It will all be good.

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Golden Oldies

(or alternatively, In Praise of Older Men)

I used to be one of those judgmental women, who would see a pretty young thing married to an older guy, and be sure she had married him for his money. I am here to apologize to all those pretty young things out there. I am so sorry I jumped to conclusions. Seriously. I know that there are gold diggers out there who are looking for older husbands who have money. I am sure there are younger men out there who marry older women for money too. However, I am sure many marry for love too.  People get married for a variety of reasons. It isn’t for us to judge although with a May to December relationship many people do.

When the KoD first wrote to me after seeing my profile on the dating website, he immediately mentioned his age as being a factor in me probably not wanting to communicate further with him. Truthfully he did not fall into the age range of guys I would date. There was something about him, however, that kept me interested, despite his age. The more we got to know each other the more we realized how well matched we were. Once we met, that was it. I knew he was my beshert.

I am not a gold digger. I did not marry the KoD so he could keep me in the style to which I could become accustomed. He is the man that I love so deeply, who completes me in ways I never could have imagined. Simply – he is my soul mate. Yes, ok, he also happens to be seventeen years older than me. But it works. It really works.

Older men have seen a lot of the world. They have lived and experienced and learnt many of life’s lessons. What might be important to a younger man to make a big deal of, older men know the fight isn’t worth it. They have their priorities well and truly in order. I am not saying that some men my own age do not have the same kind of attitudes. I am sure there are some that do. I just never came across them in my dating life post-divorce. I found most of the men my age (mid thirties) that I dated were immature, and hoping to snag a twenty-five year old hottie. They only dated me to fill time till she showed up. Sadly most are still waiting.

Truth be told, I do not notice the age difference between us. Yes, there is the occasional frame of reference we won’t pick up on, but we are so on the same wavelength about most things. We have had to put up with a lot of comments, about how he’ll never be able to keep up with me or the kids but he is way more active than I am – once we move down to NY I am going to get myself to his gym and see if I can work up to bench pressing more than he can. (What is it now, KoD? 230 lbs?) We have a totally different taste in music – but that is no way an age thing. I think you will find many men are just not into 80s music. He’s very well versed in politics – initially I thought that was an age thing. Then I spent more time with more Americans, and realized it’s more of a cultural thing.

I am quite open about the fact that I always was drawn to older men. There is something that is alluring to me, maybe it’s a sense of protection and security that I didn’t have growing up? My own father left when I was little, so I am sure that plays into it too. But why psychoanalyze so much? If it works, it works. Thank God this marriage that we have, a year old today, is more than I ever could dream of it being. I have never been so cherished and so loved and so respected as I am by the KoD. I have never felt this secure in any relationship in my entire life.

So again, I apologize for jumping to conclusions when previously looking at couples comprised of older men and younger women. I won’t ever make that mistake again.

Older Men Rock! Love you, my KoD.

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“When you meet the right one you will just know”

This is a poll for my married readers, or those in committed relationships.

When did you know that the person you were dating was THE ONE? Was it a feeling that grew over time? Was it a lighting strike from above, love at first sight? Do you remember what it was that helped you make the decision to transition from dating to marriage?

Please also include your religion, level of religiosity, how long you dated, how long you are married and anything else that you think is relevant.

Thanks.

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Love Means……

I grew up hearing “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” Baloney. I know that the movie of Love Story, based on the book by Erich Segal, was just the most moving story of those times, but I often wondered what Mr Segal meant by that phrase.

If I do something to upset my KoD (like that would ever happen) – I darn tooting must apologize! And vice versa. A simple “I am sorry” goes a long way, especially if you really are sorry for your behaviour.

I would love to know what you think this quote means, and whether you agree or disagree, PLUS what does Love mean to YOU?

the quote comes around the 46 second mark.

Ev’rytime we say Goodbye, My KoD

 

Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little,
Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why a little,
Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know.
Think so little of me, they allow you to go.
When you’re near, there’s such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There’s no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to
minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

When you’re near, there’s such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it,
There’s no love song finer, but how strange the change from major to
minor,
Everytime we say goodbye.

 

True Love – does it exist?

‘Tis the stuff of myths – true love’s kiss cures all ills, and bride and groom, knight and damsel, prince and princess, king and queen, Buttercup and Wesley waltz off into the sunset never to be heard from again because they are busy living a perfectly harmonious life.

 

Does this kind of thing exist in society today? Can LOVE be defined simply? Or does love mean something different to everyone? Or is what we think love really lust in disguise?

 

I love my children, but the love I feel for them is different from a romantic love. I would lay down my life, slay many dragons, go to the ends of the earth and back again for my children. I know their every breath, their every sound, their every worry. I know what they think, and why. I am the centre of their universe. How can any man ever compete with that, am I setting myself up for failure in thinking that I can have the filial love from the kids and romantic love from future husband? Or can I really have it all?

 

Growing up I only had to look to my grandparents for inspiration – I believe that even though they were married more than 50 years, every time my grandfather looked at my grandmother he saw her as the 17 year old that he married. There was a special softness in his gaze when he spoke to her. He taught me about chivalry, which is something I appreciate. But more than that, they both showed me how devoted they were to each other, a devotion that had to have been based on love.

 

On my quest for answers I asked many people what their thoughts about love were, and the answers were varied and very interesting.

 

I had many answers that there is no such thing as true love, that it is just lust, and will fade with time to contentment. I would like to think that there is more to it than that, but I do agree that initial attraction can sometimes be mistaken as love, where all it is is really chemistry and infatuation.

 

Some people were brutally honest, that they had never found true love, but either hoped it exists out there, or wonder whether it is just a myth, a fabrication of society.

 

Here is a sampling of their comments:

 

Shtetl Fabulous had this to say

I think “true love” as a construct is very dangerous. It might exist, it might not. But believing in it and expecting it can often make people unhappy and dissatisfied with their relationships. Some people are lucky enough to experience true, mutual love instantaneously, but more often than not, the love that is most true develops over time and is forged by trials/obstacles overcome. When people run themselves ragged looking for true love in the fairy tale sense in relationship after relationship, or they reject potential partners because of some unrealistic ideal, they essentially defeat what true love really is.”

 

My girlfriend C had this to say

Love is the most wonderful and yet the most painful force known to (wo)man.  It’s almost like a drug – and can influence you to do the craziest things. But being in love with someone, and having that love returned, even for  5mins of your life, well, that kinda makes all the sh*t worth while.”

 

This, from M

“I’m not convinced that true romantic love (like in the movies) exists.  I think that 2 people can feel a connection – and it can be instantaneous – and that, if accompanied by attraction, can make people feel like it’s true romantic love, but I think that that feeling is usually fleeting… that is, no one can maintain it forever. 

I think that we’re set up, in society, to expect that feeling to last forever, and when a relationship’s fire begins to turn into smoldering embers, people panic and oftentimes don’t ride it out and wait for the next gust of wind to blow it back into raging flames… Love, to me, means that you have the stamina to ride your way through the fire just being embers now and again.  I think that every love relationship has ebbs and flows.  There are times when, while we still love our partner, we don’t feel especially fond of them and that’s okay. Let me see if this makes any sense to you… I love [my husband] so much that I’m incredibly happy that he has someone in his life that loves him the way he deserves to be loved.  

Love? in a nutshell?  Simply: the inability to imagine living your life without that person in it”|

 

This, from my buddy C:

I think that true love does exist, but like everything else, love changes with age. Romantic love is an ideal but I guess that life takes over and it is very difficult to maintain. What is romance and how do you separate it from lust?”

 

My girl Z told me:

I believe that true love is based on three things: 
1. respect 
2. common goals and values 
3. attraction
 
  Someone once told me that marriage isn’t 50/50. Some days it’s 20/80 on your part and sometimes the other way around. “

And this from my girlfriend who just got married and is blissfully happy:

“Until I met [my husband] I would have said that this type of [love] only happens in the movies…but I am here to say that it does exist.  It may not be that starry-eyed fairy tale romantic stuff 24 hours a day/7 days a week but I must admit that I wake up every day and I am still so giddy in love and there are often times during the day when I look at him and I feel like a high school teenager mad with puppy love.  It’s been two years since [we met] so I don’t think of this as the lovey dovey feeling you get when you are in a new relationship – because it really feels like it only gets better every day as we get to share more and more with each other and seem to fall more and more in love with each other.  Don’t give up…it’s out there for you too :)”

 

I was sent an email that really touched me, and it had something to do with today’s theme.

 

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. 


On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. 
 
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. 
 
I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for awhile and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. 
 
I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?” He smiled as he patted my hand and said, “She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.” 
 
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, “That is the kind of love I want in my life.” True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they  just make the best of everything they have. 
 

I believe that said it all.

The Talmud (Tractate Derech Eretz Zuta) tells us “If you want to bond yourself to loving your friend, give to him for his benefit.” The Hebrew word for “love” (ahav) is rooted in the word “to give” (hav). This Talmudic statement teaches that genuine love comes only after giving. Which basically says that love comes only after time spent together. That love at first sight isn’t really something that the Talmud believed in.

Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler had this to say “A person loves the fruits of his efforts, as he feels that he has imparted his essence to it. Whether it is a son he has brought up, an animal he has raised, a plant he has nurtured, or even a house he has built, he feels bound with love to the results of his labour. In it, he sees himself.” (Michtav Me-Eliyahu)

So in essence, the more we give, the more we love. When we give of ourselves, its our self love that enables us to do so. VeAhavta LeRayacha Kamocha – and you should love your friend the way you love yourself.

In conclusion, I would like to posit that I do believe in true love, I do believe it exists, I believe that we have soulmates who touch us deeper than could be thought possible. Love does not conquer all, and even if you are in love, you still need to work at your relationship every single day. I believe wholeheartedly that there is a special someone out there for me, who will not have to compete with the kids for my love, because they each will have their own special place in my life. But perhaps what I perceive as true love, today, as opposed to what I saw as true love when I was 20, is different. It has been molded by my life experience. It’s not all violins, hearts and flowers. It’s quiet moments of simple contentment, just being in each other’s company, a small gesture that shows so much, a card, an email, just because.

 

I hope you feel free to comment on this – I am very interested in all you have to say.

and love, true love………..

please humour me……i am doing research for a piece i am writing – so i would love your opinions. does true love, true romantic love,  exist, or is it only stuff that movies are full of? any stories or anecdotes will be welcome. what does love mean to you? does your religion influence you in your perception? i cannot wait to read what you have to say. Please email me at hadassahsabo@hotmail.com

The Silent Pain

To the outside world she looks normal. More than normal. She’s beautiful, shapely, has long flowing hair that she takes great care of. Her smile lights up the room. You watch her walk in her 4 inch heels, and you just cannot keep your eyes off her. Her hips sashay in just the right way, and her posterior attracts the attention of all the males in the room. She is just perfection itself. The green eyed monster grabs hold of you and in that instant you hate how perfect she is, how she has everything that you want.


Look closer. Look in her eyes and tell me what you see? Do you see her self knowledge of how wonderful and gorgeous she is? No? Look again. What is it that you see in those hazel eyes?


They look sad, you say, surprised. You are confused. What does this amazing womanly woman have to be sad about? Every male eye, every female eye in the room is on her. She has us all spellbound with her magnetism, yet, there is something in her eyes that is heartbreaking.

Your soul wants to reach out to hers, to comfort it, to understand what it is that haunts her so much that it leaks out of her eyes. You go up to her and say hello, and look deep into those lusciously fringed eyes, and she knows. Immediately she senses that you see deep into her soul, and she forcefully closes her eyes, but not before you see the depth of her pain.


You both sit down, and you reach out to hold her hand in yours. Tell me, you say silently, tell me your pain. I will share it and help you carry it. Slowly she opens her eyes, and you almost want to look away as the intensity is too much to bear.


You see the pain of deep loss, you see the pain of abandonment and loneliness, you feel her failures and triumphs – and the fact she mostly had no one to share them with, you feel her love for her children, so sure so strong, yet you feel her fear of not being around for them, of not raising them well, of letting them down. You experience the profound loss of the man she loved. You feel your own heart filling up with the knowledge that this woman had such a wonderful gift and capacity to love so strong and so deeply, and you feel it break with the feelings of heartbreak and emptiness when that love was ripped out of her heart.


Now you are the one that closes the eyes, against the glimpse of a soul that is crying out for comfort. Such a lesson you learned in a short space of time. This perfect woman does not have it all. She suffers like everyone else, she has hopes and dreams, has loved and lost. She is no better than you or me, her mask is just better looking. Tonight she gave you a gift, the gift of knowledge, the gift of looking deeper within and not judging a book by its cover. Never again will you jump to conclusions about who is happy and who is not.

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To My Sweet Boy on His Sixth Birthday

How the time has flown since that May day

When we welcomed you into our family

You were pulled kicking and screaming into the world

At 4.01 pm, Tuesday afternoon, 6 years ago today,

Weighing in at a hefty 5lbs 12 oz – 18 inches of pure perfection!

You were the easiest baby to take care of

So content and happy, barely cried,

Satisfied to sit in your bouncy chair and watch the big boys

And how they loved to entertain you.

Your baby smiles lit up the room

And caused my heart to perpetually swell with joy.

Your snuggles have improved with age,

Even tho these days you’re not as round and pudgy

As you were back then

But you still give good huggles.

I have watched you grow over the last few years

And been honoured to be a part of it.

You say the sweetest things

And constantly sing to me how much you love me

I particularly love how you say

“Ima, you know I love you” when you know you are in trouble

(I think a certain brother of yours has been giving you lessons

In softening your mother up……)

I love how you lean into me in that special way

When we wait for the elevator on the way to school

And throw your arms around me and just sigh happily.

One of your latest sayings gives me a laugh everytime I hear it

“Ima, here’s a kiss, and it has a thousand kisses inside it”

This has now been dubbed the pregnant kiss.

I love how at night you need a hug AND a cuddle

And only you know how they differ

Most nights you need at least 6 of each

But you always get as many as you want.

You’ve recently told me that the days of kissing you

In front of your friends are over

That you want to keep that private.

My baby is growing up.

You still look at the world with a fresh perspective

Your eyes full of wonder at the beauty of nature.

You still have that pure innocence about you.

 

I pray, today, that you will continue along this path

Of learning, of becoming a wonderful human being

That you continue to grow your generous spirit

And that your thirst for knowledge is never quenched.

There will always be more to learn

More to do

And Sweetpea, dear child of my heart, please know

Anything that you put your mind to you will achieve

You can do it all, you can succeed in everything.

Most of all, sweet child, I wish you continued joy

Enjoy all that life has to give

Cherish each and every moment for the blessings that they bring.

 

Dear heart, today and every day I love you

I am blessed to be your mother, and I am proud to call you Son.

My Morning Prayer / Ode to coffee

Oh how i love the taste of you
so early in the morn
the shock of your warmth thrills me
it chills me
it stokes the fires within me
The power you hold
Over me is strong and true
How lucky you are
that I wake craving YOU
You are my first thought
Upon arising
The taste of you is always surprising
To sense your fire
Coursing through my veins
Is my ultimate desire
My lips surround you
In a velvet kiss
Awaiting that feeling
Of sheer caffeinated bliss.