You have a single girlfriend who is, as they say, in the parsha ie dating for marriage. She needs guidance. You are sympathetic to her story and want to help her all you can. However she prefers to speak with your husband, finds his advice more helpful for some reason. You have no reason to distrust her, but it makes you uncomfortable. Hubby thinks you are over reacting – it’s not like either of them are hiding their conversations from you.
Is this appropriate? Should single women be calling a married man for advice about anything? For that matter, should married women call someone else’s husband for advice about anything? Eg furniture, cars, politics etc.
What are your thoughts?
(not my story, not my husband)
I just vented the following story to my eldest son and he says it makes absolute sense. He also says it’s male logic and I just have to accept it.
Yesterday I sent a picture to the KoD of some bed linens I had found in the linen closet. (You will remember we have discussed buying new linens and cannot agree on a pattern). I had bought them about 3 years ago, and used them for a while until I found something more girlie. But all I said with the picture was – do you like this bedding? His response – “a most emphatic NO”. Then I told him that I found it in my linen closet. His response – “if free, then I like it”.
What on earth do you mean by that? If you don’t like it then you don’t like it! No? His explanation was that if I was going to spend money on it, then no absolutely not, there is no way on God’s green earth that he would want me to buy that bedding. But if we already have it, then why not. Sure I can bring it down with me and we can use it.
Does this make sense to you? Is this really a crazy male logic thing? When I like something then I like it. If I hate it, free or not, it won’t change my mind!!
A new series.
I say this so often to the KoD. He drives me crazy sometimes with his pragmatic look at the world. He is Mr Logic and I am Ms Emotion. It makes for some interesting conversations. I attribute a lot of it to him being a man, and looking at things in the male perspective, but maybe, just maybe, it’s just him?
My KoD has the most clutterless house I have ever seen. You don’t need something, out it goes. Papers are filed, they do not pile up (shocking!!), no dirty clothes on the floor, no socks under the sofa cushions, no wet towels thrown over the bed. When he takes something out of the cupboard he puts it back in the same place when he is done. (OK this is something I really like!! Wish the boys would learn to put things back). He is not OCD – but is seemingly allergic to excess stuff. Oh what a rude awakening he is in for when we move in!! Snicker.
Me, on the other hand, I have stuff. I am a woman, and as most people know, being a woman means having a lot of stuff, especially, if like me, you are a girlie girl. Make up and hair dryers, curling irons, and hair products, wigs and hats and scarves, in every shade and colour. Lotions and potions. 170 different pairs of shoes vs the 3 pair that most men have. We have clothes that fit us, and clothes that don’t but we wish that they did so we hold onto them just in case we lose those excess pounds. We have photos and mementoes that we have kept since we were in grade school. (I still have my autograph book from when I left elementary school). Birthday cards that our kids made for us in Kindergarten. The dollar store fake carnation they presented us with at their first grade French Spectacle. Most of the things we keep have feelings and memories attached to them. Ladies – you know what I am talking about!!
So we were talking the other day about packing and moving and all of that, and I happened to mention that I have a lot of the kids’ artwork to bring with me. His view – I am sure it is sweet etc but why do you need to keep it? (Well, I do have most things in quadruplicate. Same school, same teachers for all 4). Because the kids made it for me. “But why do you need to keep it? You are not going to look at it again. Ever.” – again, my answer “Because the kids made it for me. Duh!!”. “But what is the point of keeping it? They drew that when they were 3 – they can draw better now. Get rid of it.” Sigh. He is such a guy. I bet he would say to chuck out that carnation too…
It isn’t that he is not sentimental. He is. He hasn’t thrown out any of the cards I have sent him (but maybe that’s because he knows he would be in BIG trouble) and he does appreciate when the kids draw him something, or make him some lego or show him something they are working on. It just doesn’t need to stay around in a drawer for years.
KoD, I love you to pieces, but you are such a guy!!!
Posted in declutterfication, family, kids, marriage, You are such a guy!
Tagged clutter, declutterfication, kids, KoD, mars, men, OCD, venus, women
A few years ago I heard from a male of my acquaintance that he does not wear tzitzit because they make him look fat. Plus he also said there was no need to wear them every day, only when wearing a four cornered garment. It’s a chumra, he said, to wear them daily.
Does it really make that much of a difference?
Please enlighten me.
Signed the mother of 4 proud tzitzit-wearing boychiks.
Having had brothers, being married, and being in the process of raising four boys I know a thing or two about males and their clothing habits. Most males I should say.
For example: If it isn’t IN the hamper they might pick it up off the floor and wear it again. If it was only in the hamper for one night it doesn’t count and can still be worn. Of course these all are subject to the sniff test. Haven’t seen the sniff test make something be put back in the laundry yet.
That bothers me, but with patience and education (read “nagging”) I am finally getting somewhere with my progeny.
What frustrates my girlfriends and me more is the wearing of clothes that should have been consigned to the rubbish a long time ago. You know, those boxers that are holes held together with a wish and a prayer and that are so worn even using them as dusters is no use. The jeans that are so faded and frayed and reminiscent of the owner’s misspent youth that don’t really do him any justice. The Hawaiian shirt that he will wear out of the house and totally embarrass you with – nothing is louder than dancing hula girls all over your man’s upper torso. The shirts that have stains on them that can be identified. The lucky socks that can never be washed. The tee shirt he wore when the Canadiens last won the Stanley Cup…The list goes on.
Are you the kind of spouse that will throw this stuff away behind your partner’s back, or will you allow him the honour? Do you give ultimatums? Will you allow him to hold a ceremony in memory of the clothes you are making him burn? Will buying him new clothes lessen his hold on the old and worn? How do you break these men / boys of these worn clothes wearing habits? Or do you just put up with it – it’s the price you pay being married to Mr Right?
(Disclaimer – this isn’t about the KoD, he dresses well and conservatively and doesn’t resemble anyone in this post. Although he does have one shirt that I cannot stand….but that’s personal taste, not that it’s worn and holey. It isn’t, sadly.)
(Additional Disclaimer – I have written this post about men, but I am sure there are some women out there who are equally afflicted. Hard to believe….)
My son is turning 12 very soon and on his wish list amongst all the iPods and laptops and Nintendo DSs (dream on kiddo) was this “a Magen (Star Of) David on a chain.”
I have no problem with men wearing jewellery – my Dad wore at least two gold chains around his neck, and he wore a pinkie ring too – it suited him. My grandfather on the other hand didn’t even wear a wedding ring and would never have worn a necklace.
A certain male of my acquaintance has said to me that real men don’t wear jewellery. I think he is full of hot air in this regard. If the kid wants to wear a Magen David under his shirt, what’s wrong with that? My eldest bought himself one when we were in Israel 18 months ago. I bought him a long chain to go with it so he could tuck it under his tee-shirt when at school so as not to get into trouble. (Don’t go there, please!)
What are your thoughts?
If you are part of a couple, who generally drives? I miss driving around town. I miss the freedom and convenience having a car brings. Highway driving for 6 hours doesn’t really fill back up my need-to-drive-a-meter. When I went down to NY recently with a girlfriend, I drove most of the way in her car. For the first part of the trip I went slowly insane not being behind the wheel. Once I took over, I relaxed.
However, when I go somewhere with the KoD it’s assumed he will drive. By both of us. I have no problem being his passenger. Perhaps he always drives because he is more familiar with how to get to places in NY than I am. But, no, that doesn’t work, because even when he is here in Montreal, he still drives, I just tell him where to go. Is it a trust thing? That I know I am safe with him behind the wheel? Is it because I know that if I would be driving and he would be next to me, my concentration would be totally shot?
How does it work with you?
We women would like to ask you to kindly think before you open your mouths. You know we are very into our appearance. You know that, and if you didn’t – what do you think we were doing staring in the mirror for so long and so often, primping and preening? Pointing out that we have a pimple on our face is extremely uncool. Do you honestly think we are so clueless as to not realize that Vesuvius Minor is erupting on our face? Do you think you are being helpful by pointing out the obvious? Telling us you thought we would want to know, is not a good save. Saying “oh I thought maybe it was a rash” – nope, doesn’t wash. Basically, you are saying, “you have a huge zit on your face and man, is it ugly!! So ugly and obvious, that I, your clueless male relative, have noticed it when I usually don’t notice a new haircut for six weeks.”
When you are eleven, and you point this out to your maternal unit, you’re lucky when you have older siblings to put you firmly in your place and teach you this very important lesson. Much safer for you, than to have that very same female parental unit teach you that lesson. Those brothers of yours learnt this lesson the hard way. That nasty intake of breath by your older brothers after the comment was made was oh so eloquent. I knew my facial integrity was going to be defended. Your future wives will thank me for teaching you all of these lessons.
As for you grown up men who have made such a comment (you know who you are) – learn your lesson. Never ever tell your woman she is fat, has a zit on her face, or her hair style doesn’t suit her. When in doubt, dear sirs, just tell her she is perfect for you, and take her out and buy her jewellery or dinner. Or both.
Please note, when your woman asks you why you didn’t tell her she had a hair growing out of her chin, or a pimple developing on her nose, do not tell her you know you are not allowed to mention it. Just tell her that you didn’t notice, because she is always beautiful to you. Do not ever quote your wife back at her. You cannot and will never win. Do I make myself clear?
For the first Open Letter to Men – Click HERE.
Gosh darn it, didn’t realize being considerate was too much to ask for from a male person, according to this ad. Please let me know how you feel after watching it.
Posted in rant
Tagged emasculated, men
I received this letter over the weekend, and took some time to think about my answer. I will say what I think, and then ask you, dear readers, to chime in with your opinions.
I love your blog. You are just so fresh and honest and funny. I wanted to ask you a question. Is it normal for a husband to look at other women? Does the KoD look at other women? It bothers me. I do my best to make the most of my looks, and I think I am attractive, but I always notice my husband glancing at the women around us, in restaurants or at simchas. Does this mean that after two years of marriage he isn’t attracted to me anymore?
I think it is normal for anyone to look and appreciate a thing of beauty. If you go to the bakery for bread, you notice the yummy cakes and desserts. But if you are on a diet you don’t buy them. They are not ugly to you, only forbidden. They look great and you can appreciate their splendor. But you walk out of the bakery only with what you came in for.
We notice many things around us, and for some people it happens to be that they notice the opposite sex a lot more than others do. If your husband is looking at other women it doesn’t mean that he wants to be with them. From what I understand, men are by nature more visual than women. Me, I notice good looking guys and I notice good looking women. I am sure sometimes I stare when I see a particularly attractive specimen. It doesn’t mean that I want to ditch my marriage to be with that person. I don’t. I just take a few seconds to appreciate the beauty that God has created. And I move on with my day. I will be honest, I have never seen the KoD checking out another woman, unless I have pointed her out to him. But I do believe he is the exception rather than the rule.
If it makes you that uncomfortable, talk to your husband. Tell him that it bothers you and express your concern that he no longer sees you as attractive. I am sure he does not even realize he is checking out other women. Once you make him aware of his behaviour, it’s possible he will do it less, or at least be more aware of himself when he is out with you.
Disclaimer: I am NOT a licensed therapist nor even claim to know what I am talking about. Do not make any decisions based on anything I say. Professional help should always be sought when there are issues to deal with.
OK readers, now it’s your turn to chime in…..