Was that woman really me?

I am cleaning up some more clutter, and I came across a book of handwritten poetry that I wrote years ago. I took a few minutes to sit down and read through it. I have to say much of it is amazingly written – so moving. I went through a rough time a number of years back (read here) and much of this poetry was written during this bleak time. Scary stuff.

I sit here and I weep for the person that I was. The poetry speaks of a woman suffering so much, hurting so much, so deep inside herself. Here is an excerpt :

“Who is this being
Miserable and trapped
Grumpy and confused
Energy totally sapped?
I feel as if my life
Has spun out of control
I’m pressing the brakes
The car continues to roll
My voice is screaming
But no one can hear
What is it that I want?
What is it that I fear?
Do I take refuge in the pain and neglect
Does it give me a purpose
One I may regret?”

I find it hard to believe that I was that woman. Today I love my life. I live my life in a positive way. I look forward to every day that I spend with my kids and my husband and my friends. I lost so much time being that woman, the one who hated herself, who hated her life. The woman who felt she was no good as a mother, as a friend, as a wife.

I am horrifed that I let things get to the point that breathing was practically a chore. I am sad that it took so much pain and sorrow for me to wake up to reality and DO something to get myself back on track. But I did. With G-d’s help and the community around me, I picked myself up off the floor and dusted myself off and worked damn hard to put that period behind me and become a better person.

I will keep this poetry as a reminder of where I was and how hard I have to pushed to get out of there. I will keep it to keep me humble, to remind me that I am far from perfect. Mostly I will keep it as a remembrance to those who never sought help until it was too late for them.

Thank you G-d for giving me the tools to get my life back on track, and for filling me with joy and wonder every day as I take stock of my kids, my husband and my communities. Every day that I have with them is a blessing in its own right.

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New Beginnings

by Lady Moore-Sabb

A seed is planted in the earth 
The nurturing begins. 
Nourishment has seeped inside 
A process from within.

A rupturing has taken place 
and stems begin to form. 
The extension from the seed proceeds 
to stretch out nice and long.

Subtly it makes it’s way 
along the chosen path. 
Pressing by each obstacle 
with all the strength it has.

Till finally it’s drawn above 
To reach the source of light.
To stretch beyond the prison cell 
that first secured it’s life.

The sudden change in atmosphere 
has brought a major jolt, 
a temporary settling phase 
for access where to grow.

The sun now beams in one on one 
to lead the scrawny sprout. 
while on the stem in pattern form 
the leaves can now stick out.

Then the leaves begin to spread 
and dress the modest star. 
It’s easy now for us to know 
what type of plant you are.

Your blueprint has been plotted out. 
You path is recognized. 
The buds you bare will finally grow 
to be a useful size.

Your beauty has been scripted 
from bulbs of long ago. 
Before me stands a tulip 
not just another rose.

How lovely are the leaves you bare, 
the color of your scheme, 
the shape with which you’ve formed yourself 
My vision in a dream.

You represent a world of change 
a need that’s now been met. 
The need to know I’m on my way 
Just haven’t got there yet.

Ode to Poutine

French Fries

I love you on your own

With a nice sized dollop of ketchup

 

Cheese

You always thrill me

And strengthen my bones

 

Gravy

You moisten even the driest

Of any food on the table.

 

Combine the three at high heat

The gravy soaks its way

Into the french fries

And the cheese melts its way

Around those crispy-turning-soggy fries

Creating a mouthwatering heart stopping artery clogging dish

THAT I AM CRAVING RIGHT NOW!!

 

Slurpariffic!

My True Love Has My Heart

My True Love Has My Heart
by Philip  Sidney

 

My true-love hath my heart and I have his,
By just exchange one for the other given;
I hold his dear and mine he cannot miss;
There never was a better bargain driven.
My true-love hath my heart and I have his,

His heart in me keeps him and me in one;
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides;
He loves my heart for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides.
My true-love hath my heart and I have his,

Woman / Man

My thoughts are deeply private

Yet you think them

My feelings leak out

Through my eyes and face.

 

I tremble

You sense it in your own body

I smile

Your face lights up.

 

My pain you take as yours

My joy cheers your mood

I cannot think nor feel

By myself anymore.

 

In me you see

The embodiment of woman

Because for me

You are the essence of man.

 

What is this thing called love?

How does it invade every fibre?

How wonderful it is to feel

Unconditionally and truly loved.

I wish you starshine forevermore

The leaves were never greener

The sky was never so blue

The colours of the world

Shone so vividly

When I was around you.

You brought such hope

You gave me such joy

You helped me believe

That this blessed life is truly

A place to enjoy.

We never know exactly

What the future holds

Sometimes confusion and fear

Abound, adding to

Life’s profound mysteries.

There are so many things

I wish in this life

For me, for you, for all

Clarity of mind and soul

I wish most of all.

If it is meant to be

Love will find a way

It will see the true path,

Though destiny sometimes

Takes us on unexpected journeys.

I will not rue what we shared

I will celebrate life

And all the colours that I felt

But I will feel sad

That the end came near.

In your life

I wish you peace and tranquility

Much love and laughter

As many joyous moments as there are

Stars in the black velvet sky.

 

Control Issues

(inspired by a friend struggling with an eating disorder)

 

I am in control

I know when to stop

Look what I can do

Look how far I can go

Everyone struggles

To lose a pound or two

I can do so much better

How about 42?

But that will never be enough

So I will push for more

Just one or two or maybe three

But then

Then I shall stop

Because perfection

Will have been achieved

I reached my target weight

But I am still unhappy

Maybe just maybe

Lose another three

And then maybe

I shall feel free

To be me.

Friday Night Lights

 She strikes the match,

Her concentration as intense as the flame.

As the candle wicks flare

Her heart fills with joy.

She glances at the candles

Mini fires flickering together

She feels her soul overflow

Due to the happiness within.

She draws the flames

Closer to her, with both hands,

In the way of the age old tradition.

She covers her eyes and

She begins to pray;

For the safety of her children,

For their continued success in life,

For the health of the extended family,

And for her people at large.

She includes a special prayer

For the aged and the sick

And at this most holy of times

She whispers her most fervent wish.

That in the fullness of time

When the good Lord decides it’s right

That He will send her the person

To sing Eishet Chayil Friday nights.

A partner, a lover, a beloved best friend,

Someone to help her, nurture her,

Respect her and cherish her

A true soulmate, her real bashert.

She sets no physical parameters

In this, her heartfelt prayer,

She wishes only for peace and shalom,

She hopes He will help her get there.

One day she knows

She will light the same candles and

Pray the identical prayer

Then she will open her eyes

To find him standing right there.

In Awe of Life (Bowing to pressure to repost…)

I never knew before

The power of a simple touch.

The merest whisper

Of your skin on mine

Made my senses spring to life.

That night on the beach

When we first met

The stars were in perfect alignment

The heavens smiling

Their approval on us.

I casually reached for your hand

And our worlds stood violently still.

The electricity leaped,

Shocking your heart and mine

Into stunned belief.

At that moment I knew,

I became yours and you mine.

The briefest hint of what could be

Gave me such hope,

The chance to dream

Of the miracle that could be us.

I gazed into your eyes

And felt your soul open itself up

And swallow mine whole.

 

Life can never be the same again.

Sailing away (inspired by a dream)

Smooth sailing, the seas were calm

Sparkling blue as far as eye could see

Drifting along a glass ocean

Enjoying the gentle glide

 

Suddenly a squall appears

On the horizon, far

It will pass by, it does not threaten

This dreamer steamer of life

 

The boat takes a sudden turn

To starboard it starts to lean

He has taken the wheel by brute force

Total control is now his

 

Dark clouds rush in, thunder too

Escorting his minions of death

The rain pours and pelts and soaks

As his wicked laugh is heard

 

Thunder and lightning strikes

As he wrenches the wheel to and fro

The seas start to show discontent

And churn up their ire

 

It becomes a maelstrom of water

Versus the will of a satanic ghoul

Who will win this awful fight

That occurs as God sleeps?

 

The sea is calm once more

No remnants of the fierce struggle

“who won, who lost, what happened?”

Questions that will be answered nevermore.