I am cleaning up some more clutter, and I came across a book of handwritten poetry that I wrote years ago. I took a few minutes to sit down and read through it. I have to say much of it is amazingly written – so moving. I went through a rough time a number of years back (read here) and much of this poetry was written during this bleak time. Scary stuff.
I sit here and I weep for the person that I was. The poetry speaks of a woman suffering so much, hurting so much, so deep inside herself. Here is an excerpt :
“Who is this being
Miserable and trapped
Grumpy and confused
Energy totally sapped?
I feel as if my life
Has spun out of control
I’m pressing the brakes
The car continues to roll
My voice is screaming
But no one can hear
What is it that I want?
What is it that I fear?
Do I take refuge in the pain and neglect
Does it give me a purpose
One I may regret?”
I find it hard to believe that I was that woman. Today I love my life. I live my life in a positive way. I look forward to every day that I spend with my kids and my husband and my friends. I lost so much time being that woman, the one who hated herself, who hated her life. The woman who felt she was no good as a mother, as a friend, as a wife.
I am horrifed that I let things get to the point that breathing was practically a chore. I am sad that it took so much pain and sorrow for me to wake up to reality and DO something to get myself back on track. But I did. With G-d’s help and the community around me, I picked myself up off the floor and dusted myself off and worked damn hard to put that period behind me and become a better person.
I will keep this poetry as a reminder of where I was and how hard I have to pushed to get out of there. I will keep it to keep me humble, to remind me that I am far from perfect. Mostly I will keep it as a remembrance to those who never sought help until it was too late for them.
Thank you G-d for giving me the tools to get my life back on track, and for filling me with joy and wonder every day as I take stock of my kids, my husband and my communities. Every day that I have with them is a blessing in its own right.