Tag Archives: suffering

Salvation

Three years ago today I was in a very dark place. A place where there was no light, a place where there was no possibility of sunlight ever filtering through the rigid black drapes. Three years ago today I was not me. I was a shadow of myself. I was all pain and hurt and suffering. I was composed of tears and heartbreak and emptiness. My life existed to just make me feel pain.

 

In those dark days I found myself needing more than G-d could give me, more than the kids or a spouse could give me. I needed only what I could give myself – personal salvation. But it was not mine to take. When the darkness threatened to engulf me for the very last time I somehow found the strength to fight through. I somehow kicked toward the surface with all my inner strength and dignity. The first few healing breaths hurt so much I wanted to stop breathing, but I couldn’t allow myself to stop.

 

With time breathing became easier. With time the tears did stop. With time I found happiness and joy. With time, I found contentment. With time I have been blessed to find personal fulfillment and pure happiness not based on anyone other than myself.

 

For the first time in my life I am whole. I am thrilled with who I am. I like myself. I like myself a lot. But I will always remember that person that once lived inside my body. And I will carry her lessons with me daily, to remind me how precious and fleeting life can be.

 

This is a poem that I wrote 3 years ago, at the start of my healing.

 

Pain

 

Though my body be weak

My spirit remains strong

Though my bones feel destroyed

My soul stands firm within me

Pain tries so hard to control me

I cannot, I will not, let it win

The essence of me

The truth of who I am

Is contained within

The strong chambers

Of my beating heart

And the infinite barriers

Of my everlasting soul

Pain can never win

For my inner strength

Repels every attack

In the war between

Love and Pain

The love that surrounds me

Conquers and vanquishes

Any type of negativity

I know love. I feel love.

I know truth. I feel truth.

My mission, my goal

Is to be true to my soul.

 

Thank you G-d for bringing me through that dark chapter in my life. Thank you oh L-rd for the blessing of wonderful children. I praise you oh G-d for the gift of family and friends who have always supported me through thick and thin. I thank you G-d for the life that I live – I am happy, healthy and oh so blessed with all that I have. There is so much light in my life now – how could I ever have lived without it?

The Silent Pain

To the outside world she looks normal. More than normal. She’s beautiful, shapely, has long flowing hair that she takes great care of. Her smile lights up the room. You watch her walk in her 4 inch heels, and you just cannot keep your eyes off her. Her hips sashay in just the right way, and her posterior attracts the attention of all the males in the room. She is just perfection itself. The green eyed monster grabs hold of you and in that instant you hate how perfect she is, how she has everything that you want.


Look closer. Look in her eyes and tell me what you see? Do you see her self knowledge of how wonderful and gorgeous she is? No? Look again. What is it that you see in those hazel eyes?


They look sad, you say, surprised. You are confused. What does this amazing womanly woman have to be sad about? Every male eye, every female eye in the room is on her. She has us all spellbound with her magnetism, yet, there is something in her eyes that is heartbreaking.

Your soul wants to reach out to hers, to comfort it, to understand what it is that haunts her so much that it leaks out of her eyes. You go up to her and say hello, and look deep into those lusciously fringed eyes, and she knows. Immediately she senses that you see deep into her soul, and she forcefully closes her eyes, but not before you see the depth of her pain.


You both sit down, and you reach out to hold her hand in yours. Tell me, you say silently, tell me your pain. I will share it and help you carry it. Slowly she opens her eyes, and you almost want to look away as the intensity is too much to bear.


You see the pain of deep loss, you see the pain of abandonment and loneliness, you feel her failures and triumphs – and the fact she mostly had no one to share them with, you feel her love for her children, so sure so strong, yet you feel her fear of not being around for them, of not raising them well, of letting them down. You experience the profound loss of the man she loved. You feel your own heart filling up with the knowledge that this woman had such a wonderful gift and capacity to love so strong and so deeply, and you feel it break with the feelings of heartbreak and emptiness when that love was ripped out of her heart.


Now you are the one that closes the eyes, against the glimpse of a soul that is crying out for comfort. Such a lesson you learned in a short space of time. This perfect woman does not have it all. She suffers like everyone else, she has hopes and dreams, has loved and lost. She is no better than you or me, her mask is just better looking. Tonight she gave you a gift, the gift of knowledge, the gift of looking deeper within and not judging a book by its cover. Never again will you jump to conclusions about who is happy and who is not.

Bookmark and Share