Tag Archives: tears

Teardrops

I am a crier. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I am angry. I cry when I am outraged. Whenever I feel extreme emotion, the tears, well, they just flow.

It bothers the KoD to some extent. He still laughs when I cry during a touching moment….in a commercial! He expects the happy tears, and the sad tears when we say goodbye. It’s the angry tears that seem to just frustrate him. He gets that I am angry and usually knows why. But doesn’t understand why I am crying if I am angry. Tears are not something he associates with that emotion.

I asked him why that was. He says because he loves me, he wants to make the tears go away, to fix the problem. Tears do not help with a solution. I guess when I am angry at him the tears are also perhaps a subconscious tool – look how upset you have made me, I am crying to make you feel bad, now fix it. Except it isn’t how I think at all. I hate being angry, especially with him. I love him with all my heart. I cry also when I am angry with the kids. It’s just what I do. I guess maybe it’s like those people that giggle uncontrollably (the giggle loop) during serious situations – at funerals for example.

Do other men feel this way when their woman cries? How do you deal with it? How does it make you feel?

Bookmark and Share

Ode to Joy

 

Well, the day finally came. The children went back to school today. Hooray! And much tho they will deny it vehemently they were so thrilled to see all their friends again. I walked them into the school yard (how embarrassing can I be??) and helped them shlepp their stuff. Why do they have to bring everything on the first day of school? My six year olds back pack weighed more than ME!!

 

Ok so am I the only sap amongst parents who cries on the first day of school every year? I see them lining up to go into class and I get a huge lump in my throat. Every year they are that much bigger and need me that much less. My first grader (how is that even possible that he is in first grade??) turned to me after 2 minutes and said “It’s ok Ima you can go now, I don’t need you anymore”. Sniff. Rip my heart out why don’t you? I contained my tears until I got to the car, indulged in a little weep fest, wiped my eyes and squared my shoulders and told myself to get over it.

 

As I drove away from school I turned on the radio (the whole summer it has been on a Jewish music loop of Chevra and Six13, oh the joys of yeshivish boys) and what song was playing? Holiday by Madonna, followed by What a Feeling from Flashdance by Irene Cara. Perfect song choices. I am sure plenty parents were singing along to those this morning and smiling to themselves.

 

So happy back to school folks, enjoy the peace and quiet and the possibility of time to oneself – what is that again?

 

for your viewing pleasure :

 Madonna – Holiday

 Irene Cara – What a Feeling

Speechifying

I wrote my speech this week, the one that I am planning to give at the barmitzvah. I had no idea that it would be as emotionally wracking as giving birth. I love to write, I love words, I love creating with the gift of words. I am hardly ever at a loss for words. Yet every time I have sat down to write this speech, I have been unable to verbalize my feelings. How can you write about unconditional love in words? How does something so profound, so much a part of who I am, get reduced to a few sentences, and have justice done to it??

 

I had some ideas for what I wanted to say, and I know I had to include a dvar torah, being a religious occasion and all. I didn’t want to say a drash on the week’s parsha, because I am sure the rabbis and other speakers will all do that, my son too. I wanted to do something different (hey I have to be me) but appropriate.

 

After the Barmitzvah is over, I will reprint the speech here. Hopefully it won’t be tear stained on your screen. But I wanted to share with you the main idea, because I cannot explain how it occurred to me, it just appeared through my fingers.

 

Every Friday night in many religious households the parents bless their children. They put their hands on the child’s head and ask G-d to bless them to be like Efraim and Menashe – for boys, and like Sara, Rivka, Rochel and Leah – for girls. It’s a very moving time, and I feel a tear in my eye with each child I bensch, every single time. I always end off by telling the boys that I love them (and usually leave them a huge lipsticked kiss in the centre of their foreheads)

 

So I decided to take this idea of bensching them, and find out why these specific men are to be emulated, and turn it into an appropriate dvar torah. It has a wonderful message to it, all about sibling unity, loving your brother as yourself, staying steadfast in Judaism no matter the exterior temptations etc. I think it is a wonderful and applicable message to a barmitzvah boy, especially who is one of four brothers.

 

Of course I added the requisite praise for my barmitzvah boy, and I also included a sentence or two for each of his brothers. It won’t be a long speech, but it will definely give the guests a glimpse into this mother’s heart, into how she feels on such a wondrous day.

 

Here is a brief excerpt:

“I am so blessed to stand before you all today. I make this promise in front of all of you. I will continue to raise my sons in the warmth and love of Yiddishkeit, I promise to do my best to continue to imbue in them a sense of belonging to their people. I thank G-d for His abundant gifts, and I thank Him for the opportunity of having these children in my life. While we may never know what’s in store for us, I have faith that it will all be for the good.”

 

I am hoping to speak just before my son, and to have the honour of introducing him. He told me he was sad in a way that my speech is happening on Shabbat – he wanted to videotape it and keep it for posterity. I haven’t let him read it, and have promised nothing it contains will embarrass him. I honestly hope I can make it through without crying too much.

 

A sweet little story. We were at the store this week picking up his altered suit and ties and stuff. He was so excited. I hugged him and said “son, I am so proud of you” (yes, tears in my eyes) and he said “Ima, why? Coz I was born?” and I said that that was exactly why. He rolled his eyes and thought I was weird. I told him that when he will be a mother he will understand 😉 . I truly am proud of him for being born, for being the boy he is, I am so honoured and privileged to be called Ima by the four most amazing sons in the universe. Being a mother is so much more than anything a word, a sentence, a book, could ever say.

 

Shabbat Shalom!

 

 

Love You Forever

The above titled book, written by Robert Munsch, is a favourite of my kids. I hadn’t grown up with Robert Munschs’s books, so I was not familiar with his work. One day one of the kids brought it home from first grade, as a reading assignment. Every night we had to read at least one book to our first grader. In our house, reading has always been a thrill, and not done just for homework.

Anyhow, we snuggled up on the sofa, kids big and small, to read the latest assignment. I started reading,

“A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I’ll love you forever 
I’ll like you for always, 
As long as I’m living 
My baby you’ll be”

The mother in me was thinking what a sweet book, what a great message of unconditional love.

I carried on reading, feeling myself pulled in to the story, really relating to the subject matter. By the time we were close to the end, tears were streaming down my face. I remember sitting there on the sofa long after the books were all read and the kids all put to bed. I had never thought a children’s book could touch me quite so deeply.

That was maybe six years ago, and I have since bought a copy of the book to keep at home and have read it to the kids more times than I can remember. One child waits to see at what point in the story I will start crying, and feels the need to point it out to me “Ima, you are crying again”. (accompanied by much eye rolling!). The youngest waits for the “I’ll love you forever” part, and loves to sing along with us.

On further investigation I learned that Mr Munsch wrote this book after the tragic stillbirth of two of his children in 1979 and 1980. Apparently the little song took shape inside his head, and was his private song to his lost babies. Eventually the story in the book grew around the refrain. Once I found this out, the tears would flow even at the beginning of reading the story.

It’s interesting to note that many families have their own tune to “I’ll love you forever…” Tonight we found a clip of Mr Munsch reading the story (or I should say, telling the story, for he doesn’t follow word for word) and we got to hear how he hears the song in his head. (You can go here to download the mp3 file )

We have become huge Robert Munsch fans, but this book will be a favourite forever.

Read to your kids, they will blossom and thrive so much more. Give them the gift of words.