Tag Archives: unconditional love

Burning both ends of the candle

This has been an insane couple of days. We got back early Monday morning from Monsey, slept a bit, then I took the kids to school and I went to work. I felt awful all day at work but figured I was just tired. Of course all the late nights that have accumulated over the last few weeks of dating and being engaged have nothing to do with anything, right? I am young, I can still sleep only 3 hours a night and function, right? Apparently not right.

 

Woke up at 3 am Tuesday morning with fever of 102 and feeling like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards. Figured I would try to go back to sleep after popping an advil or ten, and would wake up in time for work feeling fine. Nope. It didn’t happen that way at all.

 

Luckily my princes are the most awesome of kids and were able to all help each other get off to school, and they kept chasing me back into bed. At one point they even threatened to call KoD on the phone to tattle on me. I meekly listened.

 

I was hoping it was just a temporary blip on my horizon, and that this morning would find me raring to go. Nope. It didn’t happen that way at all. Was throwing up at some ridiculous dark hour this morning. I was so nauseous that I looked at the coffee I made myself at 7 am, and turned away from it.

 

I have spent the last two days under my covers sleeping away the most part of the day, waiting for the fever to break. I missed my KoD even more so, because I needed him so much. Those of you who know me well know that I hate needing people.  I tried to not whine and moan and kvetch, because I know it had to be driving him nuts that I was sick and he wasn’t here physically to take care of me. My fever has finally broken, BH, but I am exhausted from being sick. I kept thinking that I should use this time that I am sick to plan the wedding etc – but it just required way too much brain power.

 

The kids spoke with KoD last night (as they do every night, the little one refuses to even go to bed until he has said g’night to his future step-daddy) and he must have told them something, because this morning when they shooed me back to bed they claimed they were doing it in his name. “KoD made us promise to look after you.”

 

I am hungry, which is a good sign, but the idea of actual food nauseates me. At this rate I will have no problem fitting into my wedding gown that I have not yet purchased.

 

One thing that has comforted me through these last two difficult days was that soon enough KoD will be by my side for good, and we can weather whatever storms come our way together. Its so wonderful to know that and to feel it in every fibre of my being.

Love You Forever

The above titled book, written by Robert Munsch, is a favourite of my kids. I hadn’t grown up with Robert Munschs’s books, so I was not familiar with his work. One day one of the kids brought it home from first grade, as a reading assignment. Every night we had to read at least one book to our first grader. In our house, reading has always been a thrill, and not done just for homework.

Anyhow, we snuggled up on the sofa, kids big and small, to read the latest assignment. I started reading,

“A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I’ll love you forever 
I’ll like you for always, 
As long as I’m living 
My baby you’ll be”

The mother in me was thinking what a sweet book, what a great message of unconditional love.

I carried on reading, feeling myself pulled in to the story, really relating to the subject matter. By the time we were close to the end, tears were streaming down my face. I remember sitting there on the sofa long after the books were all read and the kids all put to bed. I had never thought a children’s book could touch me quite so deeply.

That was maybe six years ago, and I have since bought a copy of the book to keep at home and have read it to the kids more times than I can remember. One child waits to see at what point in the story I will start crying, and feels the need to point it out to me “Ima, you are crying again”. (accompanied by much eye rolling!). The youngest waits for the “I’ll love you forever” part, and loves to sing along with us.

On further investigation I learned that Mr Munsch wrote this book after the tragic stillbirth of two of his children in 1979 and 1980. Apparently the little song took shape inside his head, and was his private song to his lost babies. Eventually the story in the book grew around the refrain. Once I found this out, the tears would flow even at the beginning of reading the story.

It’s interesting to note that many families have their own tune to “I’ll love you forever…” Tonight we found a clip of Mr Munsch reading the story (or I should say, telling the story, for he doesn’t follow word for word) and we got to hear how he hears the song in his head. (You can go here to download the mp3 file )

We have become huge Robert Munsch fans, but this book will be a favourite forever.

Read to your kids, they will blossom and thrive so much more. Give them the gift of words.

unconditional bonbons

As a mother I am very aware of the effect of my words and parenting skills, most of the time, but like any other stressed parent trying to do her best, I don’t manage perfection. When I started out on my mothering journey perfection was my ultimate goal. Now, my goal is to get through the day knowing that I did the best I could, that I showed the children the love I have for them is rock solid, and that even if I lose my temper on finding dirty socks stuffed down the recliner cushion, it doesn’t diminish my love for them, not one iota.  

There are times when I do despair, when I truly wonder if I am doing right by my children. I am sure that happens to most parents some of the time. We always second guess ourselves. It’s probably better that way than constantly patting ourselves on the back and telling ourselves what a great job we are doing, put your feet up and go eat some bonbons. 

A while back one of the kids mentioned to me that he was glad I didn’t work outside the home. When I asked him why, he told me he loved knowing that I sat at home all day waiting for school to be over so my kids would come home. To him it was logical, and comforting. To me, while I found it highly amusing, I did feel a little satisfaction too. My son knew that even while he was at school I was thinking about him, that I loved him even when he was gone, that I had not forgotten about him. He looked forward to the end of his school day because he knew a hug from his Ima would be waiting on his return. 

I allowed myself a small victorious pat on the back. While the “always honest” part of me had wanted to disabuse my kindergartner’s notion of what I did (or didn’t do) all day, the sensible part of me kicked in, and took it for what it was worth. He knows he is loved, no matter what. That unconditional love that I feel for all my children, he feels it. He knows it. It is real for him. Even though I am far from the perfect mother, in that moment, I felt it.  

So when I get down on myself, and question my parenting skills, I try to remember what that moment felt like, and I give myself a little boost. I am sure there have been other similar “yay me” moments for me, and for others. It’s just a question of allowing ourselves to remember them at the opportune times. It’s not being smug if it happens occasionally. It’s being real. It’s giving ourselves the emotional bonbons we need to give us a boost. 

I am going back to sit (with my feet up) by the front door until school is over…….with my magazines and my bonbons!