Injunction against a seruv

Montreal – a religious woman is civilly divorced since 1997. She is still waiting for a Get, her Jewish divorce. Her ex is going to civil court to say that no Beit Din can force him to give his wife a Get – he just filed an injunction against the Beit Din.

Please click here to watch.

Hat Tip DBG.

Give Her a Get

@kvetchingeditor pointed me to this “interesting” video and I thought I would share it with you. I am interested in your thoughts….

Looking for first hand stories

I have written a few times about the sad plight of the Agunah, the chained woman. I know there is another side to this coin, that of a chained man. The ex-husband whose ex-wife refuses to accept a Get. You don’t hear many of their stories as it is mistakenly assumed that they are few and far between.

If you are a man, who is chained and wish to share you story so that others can learn important lessons about both sides of the Get please email me at InThePinkBlog at gmail dot com. All names will be held in the strictest of confidence.

Divorce – Men Hold All the Cards

I saw this post somewhere else, and thought it was a good question.

I’m FFB [frum from birth], and lately have been analyzing Judaism’s approach and views of men and women. I used to believe that male vs female was just that we have DIFFERENT roles, not that men are placed more on a pedestal. However, recently, my friend went through a divorce and there were many issues where the [soon to be ex-husband] flexed his male muscles regarding holding back a Get [religious divorce]. It took her over 2 years to get it. Why is it that a man can keep a wife chained but not the other way around? Can someone please really explain this to me??

I am not sure how I feel about this

This video is about a wife who files for a Get, and becomes an agunah (chained woman) because her ex will not show up at the Beit Din. It’s a very important issue, one that needs to be understood and discussed. But I think this “never ending story” leaves a lot to be desired. It’s facile and patronizing IMHO. There are a couple of other videos in the series that follow the same kind of format. What do you think?

Hat Tip Chaviva.

Eleven Divorces?

This article talks about a man who has married and divorced eleven times. He has only one child. He says he gets married, then after two years it’s time to look for fresh meat a new spouse. The women that married him after divorce #3 or #4 – what on earth were they thinking? He obviously has a well established pattern here. Look, people make mistakes, have marriages that were so badly thought out, rebound marriages, marriages that worked for a bit and due to whatever circumstances, divorce was necessary, but this guy doesn’t even try to explain it any other way.

According to the article:

The man, whose divorces were performed both in Israel and abroad in accordance with Halacha [Jewish law], said his custom is to divorce his wives every two years and look for a new bride immediately after.

“I throw out a hook and the fish come on their own,” the man reportedly said.

The Rabbinate should stop allowing this man to get married. It makes a mockery of the whole establishment of marriage. He has no intention of ever staying married. He’s only 50. I am sure he thinks he can get married at least another 15 times. He’s probably religious – otherwise he wouldn’t need a ketubah (marriage contract) for the next “experience”.

Le sigh.

Rescinding a Get

One of the reasons I like social media is that I get to participate in awesome conversations in a variety of different settings about multiple issues.

A friend of mine updated his status today that he recently watched a movie with his wife, called “Mekudeshet”. A bunch of us wanted to know what it was about, and he explained that it followed three women in Israel, who had been refused a Get (Jewish bill of divorce) from their husbands. They had become Agunot (chained women). It took two of them five years to receive their Get, and the third was still waiting.

A very interesting discussion ensued. One of his other friends who had apparently been an agunah replied to his post. One of the things that she mentioned was that there was a case, allegedly, in Israel where a divorced woman went to the secular courts to resolve a child support issue, instead of the Bet Din as was specified in her divorce agreement, and her Get was therefore allegedly nullified, even though she had since remarried.

Now, I thought that the Get was 100% final. From all the experience I have had and all the reading that I have done, there is nothing that even hints that this possibility is remotely existent. There is nothing that I have seen anywhere that allows for this revocation to take place.

Reading this I knew a split second of fear. I thought once you walked out of the room in the Beit Din the whole thing was over. I hadn’t realized that there could be a possibility of it being reopened.

I am so hoping this is an urban myth, but the commenter very strongly stressed that this was true.

My Get Experience

(Get – Jewish Writ of Divorce)

All this talk with the researcher about divorce yesterday made me want to write this piece. I have had it in mind to write it for a long time, and eventually it will be part of a much larger essay on the subject with input from other women. But for now, this is my story.

I guess I was fortunate in that I had no battle with my ex-husband over the Get. Seven and a half weeks after we separated we were called to the Beit Din to write the Get. For me it was way too soon. I wasn’t ready emotionally to say goodbye to my marriage. Did I think there was hope we could reconcile? No. But I wasn’t ready to face such a hard reality. I was still recovering from the shock of becoming a single mother practically overnight. Did we really have to make it official??

That day I called the school. Both my ex and I would be unreachable for the time that we were getting divorced and I was worried that if God Forbid something happened to the kids the school wouldn’t be able to find us. So I called the school to tell them where we would be. It was very prescient of me.

I remember even what I was wearing. It was a green long sleeved tee shirt and a long black skirt, black ballet flats. I had a sheitel on my head and I took time to do my make up that morning. Almost as if I was painting my face for battle.

My attorney was able to join me for a part of the proceedings but couldn’t stay. She was the only other female in the room for the short time that she was there. There were at least three Rabbis from the Beit Din and our Rabbi was there too. For both of us. Then there was the sofer, the scribe who would write the writ of divorce. And my ex. That’s at least 6 men. I am sure there were more in the room, it felt like I was in a minority. My ex and I didn’t look at each other for the whole procedure – interestingly enough, under the Chuppah we didn’t look at each other until we were actually married. Parallels. Sigh.

So we went into the conference room and we were asked to fill out a form with personal information, including names and nicknames, and the nicknames that our fathers were known by too. I have often wondered what the point of that was, but I think its extra insurance that the Get is written for two very specific people.

I was then asked to go wait in another small anteroom until I was called back in. From what I understand the Sofer was writing up the Get while I waited separately in a different room. The “husband” has to be there to make sure the sofer writes the Get on his behalf. Our sofer messed up the first Get, so he had to rewrite it. Every Get has to be written specifically for the divorcing couple. There is a special way it needs to be written too. It has to be a fresh sheet of parchment, the text has to fit a certain way. I never actually got to see what was written on it though. I was waiting alone for a while, then a girlfriend showed up to sit with me.

After what seemed like forever I was called back in. The Av Beit Din explained about the Get, that it was irreversible once it has been given and accepted. My ex was told that he had to throw the folded document into my hands, and I was told I had to catch it, put it under my arm and take a couple of steps to show that I accept it. I know the rabbi mentioned it was a sad occasion but I don’t remember much else, other than trying to hold back the tears and failing miserably.

I know it’s totally my own very subjective feelings here, but I felt so judged by all the men in the room. Being the only female, and being the one that was being divorced there, I felt that all eyes were on me as he threw the Get into my hands; those couple of steps that I took felt like the walk of shame, even though I had nothing to be ashamed of. The tears were rolling, my shoulders were shaking, my marriage was really over. He didn’t even catch my eye as he threw the Get at me. But he was suffering too. This can’t have been easy for him either. Look at me, I wanted to yell, look at what you are doing, at who you are doing this to. But I could tell he wanted to be out of there as much as I did. This was a necessary step, one we had both agreed to.

The issue I have with the Get is that no one asks at the Beit Din why you are getting divorced, who was at fault. It is immaterial. Whoever was at fault, or even if it was a mutual decision, the husband still divorces the wife. As if he has all the power. There is no opportunity for either of them to speak. He has to give it of his own free will and she has to accept it. It’s a two step process. There are women who have not accepted it – I wonder what happens then. I knew I had no choice. Deep down I knew there was no continued hope for us, so I had to accept it. That didn’t make it easy though.

I read in a few places that Batei Din are supposed to offer counseling or mediation before allowing a Get – I was never offered that. I doubt it would have helped. But you never know.

As soon as I had accepted the Get and walked the requisite steps the Get was taken from me, and get this, it was torn in half!! They do that so it can never be reused for someone else. No woman / man gets to keep their Get. It is held at the Beit Din. The divorced couple each get a certificate showing that they halachically obtained their religious divorce, in front of which rabbis, who were the witnesses etc. Here in Montreal they affix a passport photo of the divorced person. I am not sure this is done everywhere else.

I was told I was not allowed to get married for at least 3 months after. He wasn’t given the same instruction. Well, it’s not like he might have been pregnant. I remember thinking at the time that the idea of getting remarried so soon, in fact EVER, was just so out of the question. Marriage was something I was never going to do again. Famous last words. I hadn’t known the KoD was already out here waiting for me to be ready to do the marriage thing again.

As I prepared to leave the building after two hours getting divorced, it struck me that the wedding ceremony took 20 minutes, but the divorce took a lot longer. Interesting.

As I walked past the front desk, sobbing, with my friend’s arm around me, they called out my name. I turned, tried to dry my eyes, went to see what they needed. They told me the school had called. I went straight from freshly divorced wife to mommy mode. One of the princes had been hit in the eye with a baseball and the principal was rushing him to the hospital. We jumped into my friend’s car and hightailed it downtown to the hospital where my son was waiting.

In a way it was “perfect” timing. I needed distraction from my grief. I didn’t need a kid to get hurt, but if that was the way it was meant to be, so be it. The child was fine and we were all home safe and sound within hours. It just shook me how in the morning I knew I needed to call the school to let them know where I was. The mommy’s sixth sense I guess.

The one image that stands out for me from that whole day was cupping my hands to receive the Get. That is an image that will stay with me forever. My hands were close to being in a supplication position.  I just wish I hadn’t felt such male dominance in that room. I just wish there would have been some words to say, some other type of participation for me. I wish I would have felt the closure that the Get is supposed to bring. But it was way too early for that. Its an experience I will never forget. If God Forbid any friend of mine has to endure the same experience, I will volunteer to hold her hand through it all. No woman should go through that alone.

Divorce Research Project

I had a very interesting morning yesterday. A while back I was contacted by a friend of a friend who was participating in a research team and had wondered whether or not I could give them the benefit of my experience. This team was researching the Migration of Minority Religious Law to Western Secular Courts as it pertains to Jewish and Muslim Women who are Negotiating Divorce in Canada.

I have experience with both the religious and secular divorce here in Canada, and I am always interested in furthering knowledge and understanding about how it all works.

I had to sign a paper, which basically covers my identity not being disclosed in any research papers that emanate from the results of the study. Not that it bothers me if it was – I didn’t say anything that I am embarrassed of or give away any state secrets.

So the interview was yesterday. It lasted two hours. My answers were recorded, the tape will be transcribed, one copy of the transcription will be kept, the tape destroyed. I was conscious the whole way through that I was not just talking about my story, but that I was representing my people. That isn’t an easy feat, as I saw the Get procedure as very misogynistic BUT I didn’t want the researcher thinking that Judaism itself is a misogynistic religion. It was fine line to toe.

I was asked about the role that religion played in my life, pre-marriage and during it, and then post-separation. I talked about my first wedding ceremony and the feelings, thoughts and emotions that went through my mind at the time. (It was over 15 years ago, hard to remember everything). Because I recently remarried, it was very interesting to me, perhaps to the researcher too,  to compare and contrast the two wedding ceremonies that I had and the way I felt at both. How having been through one marriage and divorce changed my perception of what marriage is and should be.

I was asked my opinions about whether there should be civil legislation compelling a Get to be granted in cases where a civil divorce has already been granted but there is a recalcitrant spouse preventing the Get from being finalized. This is a subject I have thought long and hard about so I was able to give a considered opinion.

I spoke for almost two hours on many aspects of my feelings surrounding the divorce, the Get process, the civil divorce procedure – I don’t know how much it will help the researchers with their study, but I feel like I have done something to help.

Any articles that come out of this study will be forwarded to me. I shall be very interested to see the conclusions that are drawn.

The Chains that Bind

(Cross posted on Dov Bear)

I was pointed to this article in the Jewish Chronicle.  It is about a TV documentary that talks about the plight of Agunot – Jewish women whose husbands will not give them a Get, keeping them chained forever. Miriam Saleh, a mother of two sons, one of the women interviewed for the television show, is a religious woman. She tried desperately for 5 years to obtain her Get, only to be repeatedly disappointed. Finally, she went to a non-orthodox bet din to obtain her Get, as she had enough frustration and wanted to carry on with her life. Her religious observance has not changed, she is still devoted to Orthodox Judaism, but feels that it is misogynistic, at least in this regard.

I was fortunate enough to obtain my Get without a hitch. But what would I have done had I been in Ms Saleh’s situation? It is so hard for us to judge, but there will be those in her community who will now be doing just that. She is concerned she will be shunned because she is now speaking out about the unfairness of it all.

Kudos to her for doing what she needed to do to move on with her life. I feel so saddened that it took this long, and that it took so much out of her to get to this point. Is there nothing that can be done in this day and age to convince a recalcitrant spouse to grant his wife a divorce? This couple already have a civil divorce, what is the point of not granting the Get other than pure anger and resentment? Does he not want to carry on with his life? Should HE want to marry again, he would grant the Orthodox Get in a heartbeat.

What can be done to change this situation?