Dear Hadassah,
I received an invitation to my friend’s daughter’s wedding in November. We’d have to travel to get there – but it’s doable. I’d like to go, but I know it’s going to be a crazy expensive wedding with all the bells and whistles, and the mother of the bride is doing it all on her own with no help from the bride’s father. (Divorced parents….) I know she cannot afford it, but is doing it anyway.
Do we go anyway because we’re invited and I know she’d like us there, or decline and send a nice gift?
What would you do?
Tammy
Hmmm. Readers?
In the Pink 
Hi Hadassah and Tammy, If the mother didn’t want you there, she wouldn’t have invited you. If you don’t go because you don’t want her to spend money on you, you’d actually be insulting her. Imagine if somehow she found out that was the reason you weren’t joining her for your simcha. Go, celebrate, and share her special day.
I’m not sure why it matters who is paying for the wedding and if they can afford it. If you want to go, go. If you don’t, send a gift.
Tammy, if you want to go, then GO!! If you’d rather not go, then stay home! I’m not sure what the question is. If your friend feels that she can afford this wedding, that is her decision. I would not skip a wedding that I was invited to & that I wanted to attend b/c I felt that my friend could not afford the wedding. Hopefully your friend is throwing a party that she is in fact able to afford (even if it will involve taking out loans etc). For all you know, maybe other relatives are chipping in for this party. Do not skip this party just b/c you feel your friend cannot afford to have you there!
If your friend doesn’t have the sechel to make a party she can afford, how is you not going improve matters? Save her a couple hundred dollars? Either way, you will be sending a gift, right? And you actually want to go. So, go!
Seems to me that you are looking for an excuse not to go. Sorry, just being honest.
I’m echoing the sentiments of everyone here. I think Tammy is being too sensitive regarding her friend’s situation. She should go regardless.
I would go but make sure that my gift was as generous as I could afford to be. There is no nice way of asking said person directly if they can afford it (and maybe toning it down a bit). G-d tends to look out for fools and children 😉 I tend to be both!
Btw, a side note I can’t comment on any of ur FB postings. ;(
re FB – that’s weird. Maybe you have to subscribe? https://www.facebook.com/hsabomilner
If you know your friend likes to have you at the wedding, go! You can ask your friend if her daughter and her fiance’ have a list or more. Sometimes they have it at a travel agency for their honeymoon .. anyway make a gift as generous as you can.
I think this is a very thoughtful post, and the author is right to raise the concerns she raises.
Those expensive weddings are vicious cycle, if everyone is doing it, I have to do it too, even if I can’t afford it, and everyone does as I do, so everyone is throwing weddings they can’t afford, just because everyone else does so.
So I think not going is worth considering – Or “paying for your place”, i.e. giving a wedding present plus what you think you cost them…