Israel

Where people applaud when the ‘plane lands safely on terra firma in Ben Gurion Airport.

Where taxi drivers tell you you have to make aliyah, then tell you everything that’s wrong with the country.

Where cab drivers show you pictures of their grandchildren and ask if you have a shidduch for their unmarried son.

Where people take phone calls on their cellphones in the midst of a speech that they are giving.

Where chummus is served as a side dish with every meal and on the ‘plane with breakfast.

Where the bus driver worries that you are not sure where to get off and makes sure you know where you are going, and the little old lady sitting next to you offers you some “mayim karim” (cold water) as it’s so hot out there.

Where a watermelon rolls all the way down the aisle of the bus when the driver brakes suddenly, and splatters against the front door, and everyone laughs and helps the owner clean up the mess.

Where you use more languages that you ever thought possible – Hebrew, English and French.

Where store owners flatter you so much you feel it’s necessary to make a large purchase. Then they talk you out of buying something that they don’t feel looks right on you.

Where the store owner plays Jewish Geography with you and you exchange business cards because he just might be able to help your son when he makes aliyah and wants to prepare for the army.

Where the roads have improved, but the driving, not so much!

Where you cannot figure out how to order just a regular plain coffee….and where a café Hafuch is not a cappuccino.

Israel – where my soul feels at home.

What would you add to this list?

Heinous or Harmless – dating world

You have a single girlfriend who is, as they say, in the parsha ie dating for marriage. She needs guidance. You are sympathetic to her story and want to help her all you can. However she prefers to speak with your husband, finds his advice more helpful for some reason. You have no reason to distrust her, but it makes you uncomfortable. Hubby thinks you are over reacting – it’s not like either of them are hiding their conversations from you.

Is this appropriate? Should single women be calling a married man for advice about anything? For that matter, should married women call someone else’s husband for advice about anything? Eg furniture, cars, politics etc.

What are your thoughts?

(not my story, not my husband)

Heinous or Harmless – Dating

From Matzav.com

Dear Matzav.com Editor,

My heart is so broken. I have been carrying a bleeding heart for over a month and cannot withstand it anymore. I do not want to tell my parents nor friends what I did, lest they make fun of me, yet I have to unburden myself, so I will tell you, on Matzav, what has been eating me up, killing me, and torturing me for the past month. Matzav has spoken to me about what I will share here, but unfortunately, to protect my privacy, I have to withhold my name from all of you.

About a month ago, my best friend living in Eretz Yisroel – for shana rishonah [first year of marriage]- called me up and said that this past Friday night, they had the most perfect suitable bochur for me sitting at their Shabbos table. He is learning in Yeshiva ______ [removed by editor] in Eretz Yisroel. She said that before I fly all the way from New York, I should talk to him over the phone, get to know him, and then, if things are okay, make the huge trip.

I agreed.

The boy called me up the following week and we hit it off real well. As a matter of fact, the phone conversation lasted a good two hours. We arranged another phone date. That one lasted for a good five hours.

I couldn’t believe how smooth the conversation flowed. We both found it very enjoyable to talk on the phone and decided that after just another three more calls, I’ll book my ticket.

The next two conversations were also wonderful. Then, during the second to last conversation we had, the boy indirectly requested a picture of me, only to get a better idea. By that time, I felt very comfortable to send him a picture of me.

The next day, I just couldn’t wait to hear from him and what he thought of me, because, after all, pictures can sometimes say a lot.

Soon enough, he called me and thanked me for sending a picture. In my head, I interpreted that to mean that he was impressed by my picture. But then he started telling me how boys tend to be very gashmiyusdik [focused on physical] and how it is very hard to look beyond the physical.

Honestly, I started shaking. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! What?!

But I continued to listen. He went on to explain that I am a very wonderful girl, an excellent Bais Yaakov girl, etc. As he was rambling about my middos [good qualities], I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! After almost 16 hours of pleasant phone conversation, you are willing to say no because of my picture?

My heart was pounding. I was numb. I never, ever felt so degraded, so low, so cheap!

He ended off by saying that even though he’s not so much into my picture, he will overlook it because I have fantastic middos.

I told him that it’s okay. I wished him much luck and hung up the phone.

That night, I cried myself to sleep. Actually, for the next month, I cried myself to sleep, not because he didn’t think I was pretty enough, but rather because of how degraded I felt!

And now I turn to you, the mothers and fathers of boys. What are we teaching our kids? Who do you think you are to dare request a picture?

[Name Withheld For Privacy]

A Bleeding Heart

New York

HSM: So folks, is the bleeding heart right? Was the guy wrong for saying he will overlook her picture? Should he have waited to meet her before saying something negative about the way she looked? Should he have requested a picture before calling her? Is she right to be so upset? Was she right to not let him continue even if he was willing? Would you date someone without seeing their picture first? Did he give her false hope or is he well within his rights to turn her down based on looks? Was his behaviour heinous or harmless? Was her behaviour heinous or harmless? Discuss…..

WWYD? – dating

A single girlfriend of mine (please forgive me for shamelessly stealing your story but you did tweet it) was recently set up with a bloke. They had some phone conversations before they actually met, to see if there was really a point to meeting. The conversations went ok, but he used a word that offended her. He used the very bad N word to refer to a person of colour. It bothered my friend and she wondered if it was even worth giving this guy a chance after he said that. From what I remember English was not his first language, but in my book that is still no excuse.

My friend is a very sweet person and after some thought and discussion with trusted friends she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Seeing as everything else seemed to have been ok with the guy she did agree to see him. It didn’t work out.

What would you have done? Would you have gone out with him? Would the bad language have been a total deal breaker? Would you have thought, like I did (I can be judgmental), that if someone can be so rude about another person that they probably don’t have good middot? (standards of behaviour) Would you have been Dan L’Chaf Zechut (give benefit of the doubt) like my friend was? Has this type of thing happened to you? How did you handle it?

My kids are in shidduchim!!

No, not mine. Not now, hopefully not ever. Yes, that’s right. I hope they find their other half by themselves without my involvement. They are good looking boys and very personable, so they won’t have any problems. I do everything wrong anyway so I would fail big time with the shidduch checklist.

Let’s see how I would fail as a potential Mother in Law:

First and foremost I am divorced from my children’s father. Major strike against me. I use paper plates; sometimes I use a coloured table cloth on Shabbat; I totally stack dishes at the table; I sing zemiros; I am a loud opinionated wench; I think women have an important place in orthodox Judaism – and it isn’t being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. (Wait a sec, barefoot isn’t tznius!!!). I serve gefilte fish on Shabbat; I wear a seatbelt in the car at all times; I don’t cover my hair in front of my boys; I watch movies and TV; I drink unsupervised milk; and I rock on to 80s music; I wear pajama pants at night; I let my boys use gel in their hair when they don’t have school. Oh. And I blog.

How would I measure up?

I have a tiny waist and can squeeze into a size 2 if I have to. And that’s after birthing 4 kids. (Why that should matter with having sons, I don’t know). My hair is covered, mostly with a wig, when I am outside the house. We keep kosher and Shabbat and Taharat HaMishpacha (family purity). I gave the kids a yeshiva education. I don’t lie or cheat or steal.

So many people that I know will say, I have kids in shidduchim so I cannot admit to that (whatever THAT is) in public. It will count against my kids. I can’t go to the movies with you because I have kids to marry off. I can’t breathe in public in case someone might see my chest rising and think I was being immodest and it would count against my kids in shidduchim.

Whatever happened to honest and true family values?!! Isn’t that important too when looking for a life partner?

So, dear readers, what other insane questions have you been asked or heard of when having kids or friends in the shidduch parsha?

Disclaimer: This post is semi-tongue-in-cheek. If any of my kids wanted me to arrange shidduchim for them I would. It is just meant to highlight the insanity that I believe has somehow contributed to the shidduch crisis today.

Discussion point

A friend was out today, talking with another woman. The other woman happens to be a long time BT (returnee to Judaism). They were talking about Tehillim (Psalms) groups. A bunch of women (or men) will get together to recite Tehillim for specific people, and in the zchut (merit) of their prayers, this person will hopefully be healed, get pregnant, have a positive change in life circumstance- whatever it is that is being prayed for.

So this BT was saying that she will NEVER attend one such group, because as a BT and not having been exposed to Hebrew from a young age, her Hebrew reading is slow and halting. If other women hear her read, she said, it would ruin her children’s shidduch (marriage) chances.

What do you think?

Shadchan Responsibility – heinous or harmless

Scenario : First date, young man takes young lady to dinner after their references have all been checked and found to be stellar. They have a lovely meal and are getting along well. It comes time to pay, and he freaks out because he left his wallet at home. The girl pays, thinking that there will be a second date, so its an investment in the future. She comes home and calls the shadchan (matchmaker) and tells her about the date and what happened. Shadchan isn’t surprised and admits that this scenario had happened before and, shrug, she thought the problem was over and in the past.

If the reference person has this kind of information surely it was incumbent on her to disclose this to the young lady. After all this kind of information really speaks to his character. She wouldn’t have had to waste an evening on him, not to mention an expensive dinner. The girl got her hopes up, was looking forward to a second date. Of course she dumped the guy immediately, but still, was bruised from this.

Was this heinous or harmless on the part of the shadchan?

Frumster Files #70856

I received this story by email not too long ago.

One day I received an email from a guy on Frumster who had a “password protected photo”, so I did not see his picture. We exchanged several nice emails, then he offered to give me the password so I could see his pic. I typed it in, and up comes a picture of this very good-looking guy, sitting in MY LIVING ROOM, on MY COUCH!!!! It turns out that he was a friend of my ex-husband who had come to us for shabbos, and asked me to take the pic for him, so he could submit it to Frumster. We had a good laugh over this, once he realized who I was. He didn’t recognize me in my Frumster pic b/c I do not cover my hair post divorce, and he had only seen me in a shaytel.  Anyway, we live too far to date, but we speak on the phone every now and then.

Dating? Tell the truth….or not

I have heard lately of several stories where people have been encouraged, by shadchanim (matchmakers) and rabbis, to flat out lie when they talk to a potential shidduch (date) or fill out a shidduch resume or fill out an online dating profile.

Photographs that are 10 years old, shaving 5-10 years off one’s age, not admitting to being a grandparent (for those people dating second time around, perhaps as young as 40…) are among the few things I have heard. Don’t mention you were ever sick, don’t say you are or have been on medication, don’t mention the tattoos, don’t mention that you served time in jail or have been married more than once.

I don’t know if I agree. I know that in the second time around dating scene finding someone is that much harder, and once you have been around the block you are generally schlepping pretty hefty baggage with you anyway. If your hair is grayer, and you have put on weight, I can see wanting to use an older picture – but it’s misrepresenting yourself. Your date will meet you and realize straight away that he/she has been misled.

I know there are some sensitive topics that need to only be discussed once there is a real possibility that a relationship can be established – but age? Grandchildren? These are fundamentals.

How can you start off what can potentially be a life together, with a lie?

When it rains it pours!

Attention single guys / girls! Get a blog and write on it. Write about your dating woes! You know why? People eventually start emailing you with suggestions for a shidduch. Initially I was very skeptical of all suggestions that came my way through this method, but when the same guy was suggested by 4 different online people (and two “real life” people) I was very surprised. Truth is I already dated this particular guy (let’s call him George Clooney because he is kinda dreamy) and he is a lovely man, but it didn’t work out for us (I think he is still single, I would totally recommend him. Drop me an email for more deets, I hope that’s ok George!).

 

I think it’s all about networking and getting yourself out there. Frumster and LayDate are very good tools if used wisely and with your head well screwed on. Shidduch suggestions can come from just about anywhere. And if the suggestion is not appropriate for you, please think of all your other single friends, and / or people you have dated that you know are still looking. You may not have been right for them, but you might know someone who is. It’s all about who you know, and who who you know knows.

 

Good luck and happy dating.