Long time reader and commenter Sheldan sent me the following last week. I decided to post it in its entirety so the rest of you could also read and comment.
Hadassah,
This Shabbat I was reading the April 2 issue of the Jewish Press and the “Im Yirtzeh Hashem…By You” column. Here is the article in its entirety:
Dear IY”H:
I wasn’t super-young (not in my 20s) when I got married, and thus was in the singles scene for quite a while. I am no longer a newlywed, but still at that happy stage–as I am so thankful to finally be married. But I am still not so far past my single days that I have forgotten all the drama and woes of being single. With those facts as background, I try as much as possible to be involved in shidduchim on a volunteer basis. I have been on committees for singles events, and everywhere I go I meet and speak to people, trying to get a sense of what they are looking for.
A while back I met a sweet young girl and her mother at a simcha, and a few months ago I met a woman who is looking for a shidduch for her son. Based on what I know of the woman, I figured that if the boy is anything like his mother, he might be a good shidduch for the girl I met at the simcha.
As per standard procedure, I was to get the girl’s information and pass it on to the boy’s mother so they could begin looking into the prospective shidduch. But when I called the girl’s mother, she refused to give me the needed information. She wanted me to first give her the boy’s information because, the thinking goes, why should they even start the process if the mother hears something and decides that the shidduch is not shayach.
I agree, but usually the boy’s family first makes that determination. I explained this to the girl’s mother, telling her that the boy’s mother does not want to put any more effort than her into this possible shidduch that may not be shayach. I added that since we’re on the phone anyway, and since this is the way the things are generally done, I would like some basic information about the girl to get the process started. And besides, if she wants me to have her daughter in mind for other boys, I would still need that basic information. After all, how can I think of boys for her when all I know about her is what she looks and sounds like, along with a very basic sketch of the personality type she is looking for.
Once I put it that way, the girl’s mother seemed to be more willing to comply with my request for her daughter’s “shidduch resume.” But then she said that she was in the middle of something when I called, and that she’d get back to me with the information I requested. Months later, I’ve yet to hear from her.
I did not call the boy’s mother for her son’s information (to share with the girl’s mother) because that is simply not the way things are done. I figured that if the girl’s mother were serious about finding a shidduch for her daughter, she would have gotten back to me. After all, she has much more to gain from this than I do.
My time is limited and I am not being paid for this. I have my own life and obligations, as well as other calls to make regarding potential shidduchim. Am I asking too much by seeking people’s cooperation with me, especially when I am merely following common protocol?
I am beginning to think that parents’ lack of cooperation is a major contributing factor to the growing numbers of “older” singles, with the age of being considered “older” constantly getting pushed back. (When I was younger, a 22-year-old girl was considered “starting to get older” whereas now, 22 is considered young.)
If volunteer shadchanim like me, who expect nothing in return, are met with resistance by the singles’ parents, it is not such a great mystery as to why girls are 22 and still single.
Having married later in life compared to my peers, I try to be a little bit more understanding regarding the plight of singles. It seems that singles do not have a chance for success because they do not even get to go out in the first place.
What are your thoughts on this issue? My strong reaction may be going a bit too far–but can you blame me? Wouldn’t you be frustrated?
Sincerely,
A Wannabe Shadchan Who Feels Unwanted
[Sheldan] After thinking about this letter, I suddenly had a strong reaction. I don’t think I am comfortable writing back to IY”H, but I think I would feel comfortable in a forum like yours to air this.
This is my opinion: When I kept reading about “standard procedure,” “the way things are done,” and “common protocol,” I got the same reaction that former Indianapolis Coach Jim Mora had when someone from the press asked him to comment about his team’s chances of making the playoffs:
“PLAYOFFS?!”
(In case your readers didn’t catch the reference, I am sure that it can be Googled, and there was a commercial for Coors beer that lampooned Coach Mora’s response.)
Somehow, my brain kept screaming, “PROTOCOL?!”
To the letter writer: The more I think about what you are writing, I think that you are well-meaning, but your insistence on doing things “the way things are done” is actually interfering with your chances of success. Several times in the letter, you kept insisting that since “this is the way things are done,” your prospective shidduch’s mother should automatically do things your way.
If you are asking if you are asking too much for demanding that people “cooperate” with you exactly as you define it or you will not pursue it, I would say yes. I think that harping on “the way things are done” shows little respect for the way the parents think things “should be done.”
First, if the shidduch is not shayach, what difference does it make which side put more effort into research? The girl’s mother has every right to find out the same information about the boy that the boy’s mother has to find out about the girl. Maybe the girl’s mother thought, “I’m not going to put up with this youngster’s demands that I do what she says–if she won’t cooperate with me, then I can find plenty of shadchanim who will.” In other words, you assumed that the girl’s mother couldn’t do without you, which is arrogance on your part.
You state that “It seems that singles do not have a chance for success because they do not even get to go out in the first place,” but you also blame the singles’ parents for why “girls are still 22 and single.”
I think that maybe you need to rethink your ideas about “the way things are done.” We don’t do things the same way as the 1950s, the 1900s, the 1850s, or the 1700s. I think you unwittingly, when you refused to bend to the girl’s mother’s request, prevented the shidduch from taking place. Maybe it may not be too late to do something about it. If you explain that the shidduch depends on both sides giving the information equally to the other, I think, if the mothers are aware, they will consent to a mutual exchange of information. Shidduchim do not need to be blocked by anything if they are truly beshert.
While I composed this, I had another thought. I know that in a different era many Jewish girls got married by 22. But it seems that nowadays, claiming that a 22-year-old is “older” is a bit much. If anything, I would argue that the mid-20s might be the best time to get married now (and if singles stay single into their 30s, 40s, or beyond, I would be happy whenever they get married). But in full disclosure, I have not been a part of the shidduch system and I do not claim to understand much about it. I know that your readers may be more knowledgeable about the shidduch system than I and could explain it to me.
Therefore, I think this would make a good subject for your blog. You may use as much of it as you like, should you choose to use it.
Sheldan
In the Pink 